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a-a^4- is^. ^.^, 13 



l&arbarli College liirarg 



Bouigtit \?vitln 

Nloney received from 

Library Kines 



Digitized byLrOOQlC 



Digitized by CjOOQ IC 



Digitized by CjOOQ IC 



Digitized by CjOOQ IC 



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.1 



D i g i t i zod by VjOQQIC 



BEARS^SOAP. 

It won't wash Bears, but it will wash everything 
else. ♦•^♦^^^^^^ 

Don't say you can't bear it, because it has been 
said before. ^•^^^♦^•^ 

.■r 

BEARS' SOAP IS THE BEST SOAP. 

This is the honest opinion of its makers. If we 
did not think so, is it likely we should advertise 
it?^«^^^^^^^^ 
When in doubt as to what to do next, buy 
BEARS' SOAP. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ 

Another . . . 
Optical . . . 

Experiment. 

I 

Fix your eye on 

the bare space in 

the middle of the 

circle for three 

hours. If you __ 

then look steadily at the ceiling for two hours more 

and do not see a white circle with a Black Bear in it, 

you should at once consult an oculist. ^ ^ ^ 



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Ask your Grocer for the New Luxury. 

UMUSTAPHA CIGAR 

THREE HALF-PENCE BUYS ONE. 

A SHILLING BUYS SEVEN. 



Pouft Pftcc Samples fott Eight $tamp$« 

Percy Fitzgerald writes : ** It recalls the delicious flavour of the 

Penny Pickwicks of thirty years ago." 
Mr. Oscar Asche writes : '* It burns to the bitter end." 
Mr. J. M. Barrie writes : ** It is not the weed I refer to as 

Arcadia in The Little White Minister" 



NO MORE TIPPING THE GUARD. 



Smoke UMDSTiPHA Cigars, and have the Carriage to yoiy;self. 



Digitizec^y CjOOQ IC M 



Strengt h is not alw^ays Life, 

m 

IT IS EASY TO BE TOO STRONG. 



READ WHAT 

A YOUNG . . 

ENGINEER . . 

says :— 

** Before trying your 
system 

LIFE WAS A 

BURDEN TO ME. 

I wore nothing but a 
belt trimmed with 
forked lightning, and 
I was stronger than 
anyone else. I was a 
marked man in rest- 
aurants and the stalls 
of the theatre; 
people stared at me 
in the streets. I rarely 
went to church. My 
appetite was a con- 
tinual drain on my 
resources. But one 
day a friend intro- 
duced me to your 
system . That was only 
a month ago, but 

/ CAN NOW WEAR CLOTHES, 

and am little bigger than other men. I am glad to say that my arms 
are resuming normal proportions, and my chest is getting hollow." 



TRY THE FLABB SYSTEM. 

LESSONS DAY AND NIGHT AT THE 
FLABB INSTITUTE, LIMPSFIELD. 



Digitized by CjOOO IC f ^ 



°° Tnough money fob life? 

THERE IS NO DENTIFRICE LIKE 

Tuskiline. 



It will not produce for its user enough 
money for life, but it is an excellent 
Tooth Paste. Suitable also for cleaning 



-^IT^ Golf Balls. 



The Usher in the Mid-London Police Court writes: "Thanks to your inesti- 
mable preparation, my teeth are now quite free from enamel." 



IN SHILLING TINS. l/< 



Furnish with Excitement 



At Storman & NACEY'S. 



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GOOSEYS 

Teloscoplc 
PUTTIES. 



Will make Short Men tall and 
Tall Men short. 



Invaluable to Short Men 
at Race Meetingfs, at the 
back of the Pit, or when 
the King is driving by. . . 



IF YOU WANT A LIGHT, YOU 
PULL OUT THE PUTTIES. 



Invaluable to Tall Men 
when caressing: a dachs- 
hund, picking: up a lady's 
handkerchief, or talking: 
to Wee Macg:reeg:or. . . . 



IF YOU WANT TO SMELL A 



IF YOU WANT TO SMELL A 

As used at the Front '■°^c^r^r,^k°^',\^i:' 



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SKEWBALD 



HAllt . . 

DYE. . . 



A well-known Artist writes : 
" Please send another bottle at 
once. I only bought enough 
for one side." 



HAIR TO HSTE FOR ALL. 



Mr. RuDYARD Ginger, of Camberwell, writes : ** Your Hungarian 
Brigand tint has made a new man of me. My friends now call me 
Raven." 



None Genuine 
without 




Our 
Trade Mark. 



One bottle is not enough ; 
you must have two. 



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WI TH I N A 
STONE'S 
THROW OF CLAP- 
HAM J UNCTION.— 
To be sold, with imme- 
diate possession, the 
above exceptionally se- 
ductivebijouEdwardian 
BUNGALOW, con- 
taihing 2 reception, 2 
bedrooms, ana noble 
box -room ; unique 
pleasure grounds, stud- 
ded with quaint and 
commanding architectural features of signal beauty; gravelly soil, superb 
gas-supply, nine-hole sporting golf links, with unequalled coal bunkers 
close by.— Apply Messrs. CLINKER & SLAGG, 10, Coke Road, E C. 



c 



'^AMBERWELL.— 
To be sold, a delicious 
little old-world property, 
in the above fashionable 
neighbourhood. The 
MANSION, which stands 
in its own grounds, occu 
pies a charming situation 
with superb views of the 
neighbourhood, and con 
tains a noble, high 
pitched roof, with spa 
cious skylight, magnifi 
cent coal shoot 
unparalleled water butt, 
etc. ; splendid drive^ 
flanked by forest trees. — Apply Messrs. 



IMMEDIATE 
POSSESSION. 
— In charming low- 
lying country, old- 
fashioned MANOR 
HOUSE. Beautiful 
lake in close prox- 
imity. Excellent 
water-supply. Good 
fishing and boating. 
—Apply: POND& 
FLOOD, Estate 
Agents, Riverhead. 




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WON'T OLtMB 
. . HILLS. . . 



The safest motor-caj* in 

these homicidal times is 

the 

HELIX. 



CANNOT EXCEED 
TWO MILES AN . 
HOUR 

Reeommendod by 
SIR RALPH PAYRE SALLWEY. 



May be used as a Hearse. 



FOR THE PA YNE GALLWEY 
DISTRICT. 



MESSRS. 

ALEXANDER 
AND KINO 

Begr to announce that 
they are now suppljringr 

BULLET-PROOF 
CUIRASSES 

for MOTORISTS in the 
Payne Gtellwey district. 

Perforation impossible. 



Mr. W. S. GiLBHRT writes : " I 
was fired at Ust night by one of 
the best shots in Harrow, but 
beyond a slight indentation of my 
funny bone, which comes outside 
your protected area, have ex- 
perienced no ill effects." 



THE 



ChB. 



WILL NOT MEET. 



NOTE THE HYPHEN. 

Not to he confounded with the 
C.B. Corset, which fits. 



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A NEST FOR REST. 

Legg's Adjustable Chair. 



As used at the War OMce. Keeps the Mood In flu htad. 
HARMONY FOR THE HOME. 

TRY THE 

W HEEZOPHONE. 

AH ih9 taiosi tutf f-oproc#f#ooc# fmlihiuHy as sung hy 
aaihtnmiio Amariaans. 



THE POPULAR SUCCESS. 

'* IWe Made up My Mind to Sail Away, ' ' 

WITH LATEST BRONCHIAL OBBLIGATO. 



THE "VT'iiEEzoi^^iionsrE. 

You pay through iho noma and iha Whaamophona wHI 
aing through it 

M. Paderewski writes: '* I never heard anything like it." 
Sir HuBKRT Parry writes: " I did not know what good music meant to me 
until I heard your WHEEZOPHONE." 
Mr. Sidney Lee writes : '* If music be the food of love, wheeze on," 



SPEOIAI.) We erive away Wheezophones free. 
OFFER. ) Records 5/- each. 



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FOR THE WALKING CRAZE, 

THE CALMADY -:- 
-:- TR0U8ERETTES. 

Stockbrokers, Butchers, and all professional walkers use this brief 
and convenient leg-wear. 



John Page Hopps writes : " With the Haskell Boot and the Calmady Trouserette 
I could hop anywhere." 



Tatchlene. 



THE GREAT HAIR RESTORER. 



OLID GO^AJTS IFODR ITE^W". 



See what Tatchlene 

did for a Great 
Explorer's Fur Coat. 

The Intrepid Traveller 
writes : " Some years ago 
my fur coat became so bald 
in places as to be quite 
unsuitable any longer for 
photographic purposes. 
While I was in Blagovest- 
schensk a friend recommen- 
ded Tatchlene, with the 
luxuriant result here de- 
picted." 

TATCHLENE. 



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Don't let iJie Hair grow nnder yonp Hat, 
Try ANTI-FLUFF. 

A Hot and Hairy Head is rendered delightfully 
bare and cool in a single night. 



NO MORE BARBERS! 

SO MORE BRUSHES AND COMBS! 

NO MORE QREV HAIR! 

Try dr. BALDWIN'S 

ANTNFLUFR 

THE BEST WOOL EXTRACTOR. 

RECOMMENDED TO ALL PLAYGOERS AND FIRST-NIGHTERS. 

INVALUABLE FOR OCCUPANTS OF THE STALLS. 



Elisha Bear, k.c, President of the Scalpine Club, writes: " I never knew a 
moment's happiness until I tried jour priceless preparation." 

or all CHennis'fcs wHo Iceep it. Rrice 31/6. 

WORTH A GUINEA A BOTTLE. 



TRADE mark: MOULTEM IN PARVO. 

WITHOUT THIS NONE ARE GENUINE. 



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ENGLAND 
DAY BY DAY 

A GUIDE TO EFFICIENCY AND 
PROPHETIC CALENDAR FOR 1904 



BY THE AUTHORS OF 
"WISDOM WHILE YOU WAIT' 



ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE MORROW 



Buck up ! '* 

Rt. Hon. James Bryce 



METHUEN & CO. 

36 ESSEX STREET W.C. 

LONDON 

1903 



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/ 



JUL 21 1920^^ 



BOOKS CONSULTED IN THE PREPARATION 
OF THIS WORK 

Whitaker*s Almanack, 

Delitzsch*s Babel und Bihel. 

HazeWs Annual. 

Bacon's Novum Organum, 

Hobbes's Leviathan, 

The Daily Mail Year Book. 

Browning's Sordello, 

Herbert Spencer's First Principles, 

The Bampton Lectures, 1886-1903. 

Pears* Shilling Cyclopcedia, 

The File of the Tailor and Cutter, 

Catesby's Drolleries. 

Mr. Sidney Lee's Stud Book, 



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DEDICATION I 

THIS WORK 
TO MY TRUSTED COLLEAGUE 

THE OTHER EDITOR, 

WITH THE WARMEST THANKS 

FOR HIS ASSISTANCE, 

ALWAYS WELL-MEANT, OFTEN INGENIOUS, 

AND SOMETIMES OF REAL USE 



E. V. L. 



Hotel Metropole, 

Lhasa, Thibet 



DEDICATION II 

TO MY QUONDAM ASSOCIATE, 

THE NOMINAL CO-WRITER OF THIS WORK, 

PRINCE OF LOTUS-EATERS 

C. L. G. 

Hotel Splendide, 

Canary Islands 



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PREFACE 

" A word with you, Gentles." — Alg. Ashton 

IT is the pleasant duty of the Editors of Eng- 
land Day by Day to thank a number of 
illustrious men for assistance in this great under- 
taking. Without help from Mr. Whitaker their 
dates would not be Wright, while Mr. Austen 
Chamberlain has spared no pains in revising the 
Postal Guide. Old Moore has been continually 
at their elbow, and they spent no fewer than three 
week-ends with Zadkiel. They have also attended 
the Rev. R. J. Campbell's Thursday services 
regularly since his advent to the City Tempte, 
and have been in constant communication with 
Mr. Winston Churchill, m.p., Mr. T. Gibson 
Bowles, M.P., and Sir Gilbert Parker. 

To two distinguished publicists, Mr. Arnold 
White and Lord Rosebery, however, their obliga- 
tions exceed all bounds, and it is with the deepest 
gratitude and complacency that they reproduce on 
the following page the generous testimony of these 
robust patriots to the priceless futility of this 
undertaking. 



E. V. L. 
C. L. G. 



The Tower, June 315/, 1903 
4 



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OUR TWO MASTERS 

CORDIAL letter from the Right Hon. the 
Earl of Rosebery, k.g., to the Editors of 
England Day by Day: — 

**38, Berkeley Square, 

^^ June 2nd, 1903. 
** Gentlemen, — Lord Rosebery directs me to state 
that the Durdans is not for sale. How the rumour 
obtained currency his lordship is at a loss to under- 
stand. Nor is it to let furnished. With regard to the 
other matter, Lord Rosebery is unable at present to 
give a definite reply, but his impression is that he will 
adhere to Harris Tweeds. He accordingly returns the 
patterns and the photographs, and sends his best 
wishes for your married life. 

** I am, gentlemen, 

" Faithfully yours, 

**A. B. Waterfield. 

**P.S. — Thinking that your wives and children may 
like to view the rhododendrons and flowering chestnuts 
at Mentmore, which are now in their full beauty, his 
lordship encloses a card which will effectually secure 
them from molestation by his bloodhounds." 

Genial greeting from Mr. Arnold White, the 
famous apostle and martyr of efficiency : — 

**2, Windmill Hill, Hampstead, N.W., 
^^June 12th, 1903. 

"Mr. Arnold White presents his compliments to the 
Editors of England Day by Day^ and begs to inform 
them that he will glance at their proof-sheets when 
occasion offers ; but as he is about to leave England for 
a protracted visit to the East, the time may be distant." 
B 5 



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CONTENTS 



" Let's see what they're going to give us " 

Lt.-Col. Newnham 



Calendar for January, 1904 

Desk Companion 

Facts for Busy Men 

Calendar for February . 

Public Servants' Salary List 

Fictitious Names used by Authors 

How TO Read the Gas-meter 

Hints on Dress 

Regulations for Motor-cars 

Calendar for March 

It is never too late to Learn . 

Oracles 

Hints to Carvers 

Familiar Abbreviations . 

Scale of Musical Appreciation . 

Calendar for April 

Tariff of Professional Diners-out 

Expletives permissible in Polite Society 

Suitable Sobriquets for Pets 

Family Pet Names of Eminent Persons 

Relative Sizes of Type . 

Calendar for May 

New Orders 

Table of Comparative Velocities 

Familiar Latin Phrases . 

Suggested Pseudonyms . 

6 



Davis 

PAGE 

9 
13 
15 
17 
21 
21 
22 
23 
23 

25 
29 

32 
32 
33 
33 
35 
39 
40 
40 
41 
41 
43 
47 
48 

49 
49 



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CONTENTS— contimied 



Scale of Conglomeration 


49 


Calendar for June 


51 


Records at Cricket 


56 


Calendar for July 


59 


The Walking Craze 


. 63 


The Shopper's Guide 


. 63 


Hints to Passive Resisters 


. 65 


Suggestions for Emergencies 


. 65 


Calendar for August 


. 67 


Comparative Table of Wealth . 


71 


Scale of Cubic Contents 


71 


Our Free Insurance Scheme 


• 72 


Suitable Names for Suburban Villas 


73 


Delicious Drinks 


73 


Calendar for September 


75 


Lord Shamrock's Establishment . 


79 


Licences 


80 


Things not generally known 


81 


Calendar for October . 


85 


Postal Guide . . . . 


89 


Rhyming Reminders 


90 


Notes on Etiquette 


91 


Calendar for November 


93 


Our Hieroglyph for 1904 


97 


Hints for Busy Women. 


98 


Useful Synonyms 


98 


Solecisms to be Avoided 


99 


Country-house Hints 


99 


Calendar for December 


lOI 


Index . . 


105 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR JANUARY 

FOR RECORDING ATTACKS OF INFLUENZA 



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RELIABLE CALENDAR FOR 

1904 



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JANUARY 

Duke of Devonshire offered post of 
sleeper on the Baghdad Railway. 

The Duke of Devonshire starts from 
Tilbury Docks in s.s. Mandragora 
amid a shower of poppy-leaves. 

s.s. Mandragora arrives at Gibraltar. 
Salute of seventeen pom-poms 
fails to awake the Duke. 

s.s. Mandragora arrives at Malta. 
Salute of thirty-eight Long Toms 
again fails to awake the Duke. 

The Duke of Devonshire lands at 
Ephesus. Gala performance of La 
Sonnambula. 

The Duke of Devonshire attacked 
by sleeping sickness at Mocha. 
Disease repelled by the local berry. 

The Duke of Devonshire arrives at 
Koweit. Town en fete. Carnival 
of coma. 

9 



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J A NU AR Y — continued 

The Duke of Devonshire, clad in 
dormouse -skin pyjamas, is drawn 
to his destination by a pair of 
nightmares and deposited in posi- 
tion on the track. Profound repose 
in the East. 

Messrs. Moberly Bell and Buckle start 
on their crusade to rally competitors 
for the Ency. Brit, prizes. 
ID i So Messrs. Moberly Bell and Buckle 
reach Constantinople, and are 
pained not to find the Times on 
sale at Yildiz Kiosk. 

11 M The Grand Vizier gains scholarship 
at Girton. Hurried flight of 
Messrs. Buckle and Bell. 

12 Tu Arrival of Messrs. Buckle and Bell 
I at Cairo. Lord Cromer wins 

scholarship, but elects to take cash. 

13 W ' Disappearance of Mr. Buckle. Mr. 
i Bell orders the Second Cataract to 
} be dragged. 

14 Th Mr. Buckle still missing. Mr. Bell 
relieves his feelings with assistance 
from the Great Dam. 

15 F Mr. Buckle discovered disguised as a 
caddie on the Khartoum links. 

16 S Messrs. Buckle and Bell attacked in 
the Persian Gulf by an Arab slave 
dhow. Assailant sunk by volumes 
of the Ency, Brit. 



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JANUARY — continued 

17 ^ Messrs. Buckle and Bell at Simla. 
Mrs. Leiter wins scholarship at 
Girton. 

18 M Messrs. Buckle and Bell at Calcutta. 
Tidal wave on the Hooghly. 

19 Tu Great success of The BeWs Stratagem 
at the Theatre Royal, produced by 
the Claque Syndicate. 

20 W Continued popularity of the competi- 
tion. Lord Curzon and the Ma- 
harajah of Patiala tie for scholarship 
at Girton. 

21 Th Disappearanceof Mr. Buckle. Whole- 
sale search of India golf links. Mr. 
Bell learns Tamil. 

22 1^ Mr. Buckle discovered as stowaway 
on a P. and O. steamer on eve of 
sailing. Mr. Bell reproves him in 
Tamil, and hands him over to Lord 
Kitchener as a deserter. 

23 b Production of new play at the Garrick 
Theatre. Messrs. Buckle and Bell 
summoned home by Marconigraph. 

24 Sb Lord Kitchener wins scholarship at 
Girton. Insurrection in Cabul. 

25 I M Mr. Martin Harvey opens at the 
Coronet as Sapho in a new version 
of that play. The Times critic 
quotes Thucydides. 



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JANUARY — cmitinued 

26 Tu Mr. George Alexander opens at the 
St. James's Theatre as Sapho in 
a new version pf that play. The 
Times critic quotes Hammurabi. 

27 W Mr. Wilson Barrett opens at the 
Hippodrome as Sapho in a new 
spectacle based on that play. The 
Times critic quotes Longinus On 
the Sublime. 

28 Th Mr. Herbert Campbell opens at the 
Canterbury as vSapho in a new 
sketch founded on that play. The 
Times critic quotes Wordsworth. 

29 F Mr. Beecham pilled at the Junior 
Reform, 1880. Lord Rosebery 
reconciles Liberal party. 

30 S I The Rev. R. J. Campbell grows a 
beard. Dr. Robertson Nicoll's life 
despaired of. 

31 Sb I The Rev. R. J. Campbell sends for 
Mr. Truefitt. Recovery of Dr. 
Robertson Nicoll. 



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DESK COMPANION 

** Bring me pen, ink, and paper." — Lord Rayleigh 

BEFORE writing a letter always ask yourself 
if a telegram will not do quite as well. 

Be very careful how you address the Lord 
Mayor. 

Blots should be cut out neatly with a pair of 
scissors. 

In conversation ^*hair" and ^^air" are often 
pronounced alike, but in writing the difference 
between them should be indicated. 

Letters in the third person are more dignified, 
but they want watching. 

When in doubt, write to-morrow. 

A LIST OF USEFUL WORDS THAT ARE 
OFTEN SPELT WRONG 



Anisodynamous 

Cat 

Acknowledge 

Fiscal 

Balfour 



only one i. 

no k. 

no diaeresis. 

no z. 

no settled convictions. 



13 



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HOW TO ADDRESS THE 
ARISTOCRACY 

" Creme de la creme ! " — Francatelu 

I 
THE OIL KING 

Address — **To the Oil King's Most Excellent and 
Oleaginous Majesty." 

Salutation — **May it please your 'oyal Oiliness," 
or, **Sire." 

Subscription — **I have the oleographic honour to 
remain, your Stearine Highness's 
most superfatted servant." 

Similarly with the Silver King, except that he 
is saluted as ** Your Royal Wilson-Barrett." 

Similarly with the Sausage King, except that 
he is saluted as ** Your Royal Poloniship." 

II 
LORD GEORGE SANGER 

Address — **To the Right Honourable Lord 
George Sanger." 

Salutation — ^*Sir," or, **May it please your Hip- 
podromistic Circuosity." 

Subscription — ^^I remain, my lord, your Serene 
Sawdustiness's most obedient 
servant." 
14 



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FACTS FOR BUSY MEN 

" Life would be unendurable but for its personalities " 

Mr. T. p. O'Connor, m.p. 

Lord Rosebery is a man of studiously simple 
habits. He never smokes Havana cigars before 
breakfast, and possesses only ninety-eight pairs 
of trousers. 

Mr. J. S. Sargent, r.a., is the *^ strong man" 
of the Academicians. His chest measures forty- 
eight inches, and he once held out Professor 
Hubert von Herkomer, c.v.o., r.a., at arm's 
length for a whole hour. 

The Duke of Devonshire, who is so absent- 
minded that at a Foreign Office reception he once 
crushed a new silk hat against his breast under the 
impression that it wdiS a. gibtiSy has the largest-sized 
head of any member of the House of Lords. The 
Marquis of Anglesey's size is 6^. 

Sir Hubert Parry, the Director of the Royal 
College of Music, always composes in the train. 
Mr. Lawrence Kellie prefers a governess cart, 
while some of Mr. Stephen Adams's most re- 
sounding successes have been dashed off in a 
four-wheeled cab. 

15 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR FEBRUARY 

FOR RECORDING NUMBER OF PANCAKES 
CONSUMED ON SHROVE TUESDAY 



i6 



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FEBRUARY 



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Mr. Harmsworth and Mr. Henry 
Norman, m.p., leave for the North 
Pole in the Pram to collect bear- 
skins for their chauffeurs. 

Arrival of the Pram at Rejkjavik. 
Mr. Norman bathes in the Great 
Geyser. 

Arrival of the Pram at Spitsbergen. 
Mr. Harmsworth founds the Sunday 
Artie Circle for Esquimotorists. 

Arrival of the Pram at Ball-Behring 
Straits. Mr. Norman distributes 
free copies of The World's Work 
among likely seals. 

Pram crushed by icebergs. Messrs. 
Harmsworth and Norman take to 
Mercedes motor sledge. 

Petrol frozen. Mr. Harmsworth in- 
jects Tatcho, but without success. 

Sperm whale captured, but Merc^dfes 
refuses to digest blubber. 

Mr. Norman starts on foot for the 
Pole. Mr. Harmsworth remains to 
comfort Mercedes. Reads to her Mr. 
C. A.'Vince's protection circulars. 
17 



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FEBRUARY— continued 



9 


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13 ! S 



14 i * 



15 
16 



17 



M 
Tu 



W 



The Norman conquest of the Pole. Mr. 
N. establishes The Zero Magazine. 

Mr. Harmsworth arrives on foot at 
the Pole. Establishes The Polar 
Mail. 

Mercedes, tired of waiting, starts for 
home. 

Arrival of Mercedes at Hull. Panic 
at Carmelite Street and South Wol- 
verhampton. 

Harmsworth-Norman Rescue Expedi- 
tion, organised by Lord Rosebery, 
Mr. Arnold White, and Messrs. 
Elliott and Fry. 

Rescue Expedition, commanded by 
Mr. Harry De Windt and M. 
Santos-Dumont, leaves for the 
wrong Pole. 

Arrival of Mr. Harmsworth and Mr. 
Norman in their Polar bare skins. 

De Windt and Santos-Dumont Relief 
Expedition, organised by Mr. 
Harmsworth, Mr. Norman, Sir 
George Newnes, and Mr. C. Arthur 
Pearson. 

De Windt and Santos-Dumont Relief 
Expedition, commanded by Mr. T. 
P. O'Connor and Captain Kettle, 
starts for North Pole. 
18 



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FEBRUARY— continued 



i8 


Th 


19 


F 


20 


S 


21 


» 


22 


M 


23 


Tu 


24 


W 


25 


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Dr. Barrie and Professor Gluckstein 
arrive at Dublin to investigate Irish 
tobacco crop. 

Conferment of Hon. LL.D. on Pro- 
fessor Gluckstein by Trinity College, 
Dublin. Miss Uneeda Gluckstein 
chaired in the quadrangle. 

Doctors Barrie and Gluckstein start 
for the infected region in a Pant- 
hard, accompanied by Professor 
Mahaffy and other pioneers of the 
Irish smoking world. 

Tobacco Commission welcomed at 
his Villar by Mr. Larry O'Nager, 
the President of the Irish Tobacco 
Trust, 

Dr. Barrie writes first chapter of his 
new Irish novel, The Little Green 
Weed. 

Inspection of factory. Professor 
Mahafify tries an Athlunkard che- 
root and becomes a Home Ruler. 

Dr. Gluckstein leaves the party for a 
week's salmon fishing at Castle- 
connell ; takes with him two boxes 
of Flor di Dingle Bays. 

Sir Frederick Treves summoned to 
Castleconnell. False alarm of Tri- 
chinosis. 

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27 


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29 


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FEBRUARY— cow^inw^d 

Dr. Barrie tries a United League In- 
timidad on his Panthard. Total 
collapse of the carburetter. 

Commission sail from Queenstown. 
Great boom in Havana and Borneo 
markets. 

Sir Edward Clarke appointed Poet 
Laureate. Disappearance of Mr. 
Edmund Gosse. 

Mr. Gosse discovered on the woolsack. 
Lord Rosebery reconciles Liberal 
party. 



ao 



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PUBLIC SERVANTS' SALARY LIST 



WITH COMMENTS BY 
THE MEMBER FOR BATTERSEA 

" No one is worth more than £500 a year." — John BuRwa 



OFFICE 



Rt. Hon. A. J. Balfour, 

First Lord of the Treasury . 

Rt. Hon. St. John Brodrick, 
Secretary of State for War . 

Rt. Hon. Joseph Chamberlain, 
Sec. of State for the Colonies 

Alfred Austin, Esq. , PoetLaureate 



PRESENT 
SALARY 



year and 
a butt of 
sherry 



MR. burns' 

AMENDMENT 



£^so 

Notice 

30?. a week 

Instead of 

sherry, 

sack 



FICTITIOUS NAMES, Etc., USED 
BY AUTHORS 

** Oh, what a surprise ! "—Marquis Ito 



Dagonet . 
Captain Coe 
Old Joe . 
G. K. Chesterton 
Sunny Jim . 

The Two Macs . 



Mr. Rudyard Kipling 
Canon Knox-Little 
Mr. Chamberlain 
Mr. G. Bernard Shaw 
Lord James of Hereford 
f Max Beerbohm and 
( Max Pemberton 
Dr. Tibbies . Sir James Crichton-Browne 

William LeQueux Mrs. Humphry Ward 



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HOW TO READ THE GAS-METER 

" What is Truth ? "— Hobker 





THE figures on Dial A represent hundreds, 
those on Dial B thousands, and those on 
Dial C millions of cubic feet of gas for which you 
will have to pay. Thus, the hands as they are 
now placed represent a consumption of eight 
million three thousand and five hundred cubic 
feet of gas. 

The hand on Dial A indicates 500 cubic feet 

yy M B 3,000 ,, 

,, ,, C 8,000,000 ,, 



8,003,500 ,, 

This, considering that you only moved in last 
week, is very moderate. All that you now have 
to do is to pay the Gas Company and begin 
again. 



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HINTS ON DRESS 

*' Worth makes the man. Worth makes the woman too " 

The MS. in a Blue Box 

For Sweeps. — It is not necessary to wear linen 
cuffs before five o'clock tea. 

For Poets. — In Piccadilly it is de rtgiieur to 
wear homespun knickerbockers, bicycle shoes, 
soft-fronted Jaeger dress-shirt, an evening-dress 
waistcoat, and a is. gd. real Panama. 

For Lady Motorists. — In the racing season 
hand-grenadine veils and asbestos putties are 
invaluable. Green bottle-glass goggles and chin- 
chilla chin-straps complete an exceptionally chic 
costume. 



REGULATIONS FOR MOTOR-CARS 

*' Hurry up, for pity." — Ma. Alfred Austin 

In the case of a compound fracture the sparking 
plug is invaluable as a styptic. 

Dead bodies should always be removed to the 
side of the road. 

Severed limbs must be collected. For purposes 
of identification it is advisable to examine the 
pattern of the clothing. 

23 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR MARCH 

FOR RECORDING DELIGHTS OF SPRING 
CLEANING 



24 



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MARCH 

Tu I War declared against China. Sir 
I Thomas Lipton appointed to com- 
mand the British Fleet. 

W Sir Thomas Lipton sails from South- 
ampton for the East. H.M.S. 
Shamrock IV, capsizes in the 
Channel. 

Th Sir Thomas Lipton receives a sympa- 
thetic message from the Empress 
of China and hoists his flag on 
H.M.S. Edward VI L 

H.M.S. Edward VII. collides with 
the Rock of Gibraltar. Sir Thomas 
Lipton created Duke of Marmalada 
Sevillana by King Alfonso. 
Sir Thomas Lipton entertains the 
Khedive at Cairo. H.M.S. Blarney 
Castle sunk in a sandstorm on the 
Suez Canal. 
^ Sir Thomas Lipton entertains the 
Sultan of Zanzibar and performs 
a Sultana cake walk. H.M.S. Erin 
conveniently turns turtle just before 
the banquet. 

M Sir Thomas Lipton inspects the Bagh- 
dad Railway and entertains the 
Shah of Persia on board H.M.S. 
Gorgonzola III. 
25 



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MARCH — continued 



8 Tu 



lO 



II : F 



W 



Th I 



12 


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16 


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Enemy sighted in the Persian Gulf. 
British flagship rammed by a 
Chinese junk. Sir Thomas Lipton 
apologises to the Chinese Admiral 
for being in the way. 

Sir Thomas Lipton puts in at Colombo 
to refit and fill his magazines with 
gunpowder tea. 

Severe action- in the Straits of Maza- 
wattee. Marquis Oopack shot in 
the left arm. 

Action continued. Young Hyson 
seriously injured by Captain Kettle. 

Sir Thomas Lipton signals: **Have 
received severe tannin'. Enemy 
perfect gentlemen. Will Dowager 
Empress honour me during the 
evening?" 

Peace declared. Relief in Mincing 
Lane and at Osidge. Sir Thomas 
Lipton cables: **Am escorting 
Dowager Empress to England. 
Perfect lady." 

Mr. Hall Caine completed his likeness 
to Shakespeare, 1895. 

Mr. Andrew Carnegie supplied Lon- 
don with sufficient libraries, 1901. 

Mr. Andrew Carnegie supplied Lon- 
don with more libraries. 
26 



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MARCH — continued 



17 I Th 



18 



19 



20 «b 



28 



M 



21 


M 


22 


Tu 


23 


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24 


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25 


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26 


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27 


* 



England discovered by Edna May, 
1898. 

Lord Rosebery and Mr. Perks' politi- 
cal pilgrimage in Southern Italy 
begins. They address mass meet- 
ing at Capua. 

Lord Rosebery receives the freedom 
of Pompeii. Addresses lazzaroni in 
the familiar dialect. 

Lord Rosebery heckled at Hercu- 

laneum. Eruption of Primrose 

Hill. 
Lord Rosebery converts Agnes of 

Sorrento to the Liberal League. 
Lord Rosebery crosses to Sicily. Mr. 

Perks falls into Charybdis. 

Lord Rosebery at Girgenti. Mr. Perks 

captured by brigands. 
Lord Rosebery on Etna. Mr. Perks 

disappears into the crater in the 

manner of Empedocles. 

Lord Rosebery at Stromboli. Mr. 
Perks assassinated by condottieri. 

Lord Rosebery returns. Mr. Perks 
issues new manifesto. 

Suttee abolished. Sir Francis Jeune 

born, 1843. 
Dress rehearsal of Wee MacGreegor 

at Drury Lane. Captain Oswald 

Ames in title role. 
27 



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MARCH — continued 

29 Tu First night of Wee MacGreegor at 
Drury Lane. Mr. William Archer 
arrives in a kilt. Panic among the 
deadheads. 

30 W Captain Ames indisposed. Success- 
ful appearance of his understudy, 
Mr. Clement K. Shorter^ as the 
Wee-est MacGreegor. 

31 Th Dr. Williams made his first pink pill, 
1879. 



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IT IS NEVER TOO LATE 
TO LEARN 

INTERESTING MEMS. CONCERNING THE LATE 
DEVELOPMENT OF FAMOUS MEN 

" Pour encourager les autres." — Lord Laksdowne 

Mr. Balfour, when Prime Minister, began to 
study the licensing question. 

Lord Cranborne, when Under Secretary for 
Foreign Affairs, began to learn French. 

The Duke of Devonshire, at the age of sixty- 
five, took up golf. 

Mr. p. F. Warner never heard of Preferential 
Tariffs until Mr, A. C. Maclaren refused to go to 
Australia with the English team in 1903. 

Buffalo Bill, although sixty years of age, is 
still waiting to have his hair cut. 

Mr. Dan Leno did not appear at Sandringham 
until the year 1902. 

Mr. Crockett did not abandon the pulpit until 
he was over forty. 

Dr. Robertson Nicoll's rambling remarks 

did not become Clear until the British became 

Weekly. 

29 



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IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN 

(continued) 

Mr. Wilson Barrett did not begin to wear 
low necks until he weighed thirteen stone. 

Sir William Harcourt did not learn to dance 
until Lord Rosebery was Premier. 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle did not play in 
first-class cricket until he had written the history 
of the Boer War. 

The late Pope Leo XIII. never heard of Mr. 
Hall Caine until he was ninety. 

The authors of The Gourmet's Guide to Europe 
had never heard of Lockhart*s until their book had 
gone to press. 

Sir Oliver Lodge never sent a Marconigram. 

MoNS. Walkley did not quote Aristotle until 
he was four. 

Mr. William Archer did not discover Ibsen 
until Ibsen was seventy. 

Sir Thomas Lipton never shook hands with 
the King until he was forty-four. 

Mr. Brodrick was never called Brodder until 
he went to Oxford. 

Mr. Alfred Harmsw^orth was twenty before 
he possessed a motor-car. 

30 



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IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN 

(continued) 

Mr. Winston Churchill at twenty-eight was 
still without a seat in the Cabinet. 

Sir Henry Howorth did not write his first 
letter to the Times until 1822. 

Mr. Algernon Ashton never saw Kensal Green 
until he was five. 

The Earl of Rosslyn did not break the bank 
until he was two hundred. 

M. Paderewski did not use the pianola until 
he was bald. 

Sir J. Crichton - Browne never heard of 
Carlyle until after he was appointed Lord Chan- 
cellor's Visitor in Lunacy. 

Lord Salisbury, at the close of his political 
career, nearly succeeded in mastering the names 
of his colleagues in the Cabinet. 

Prince Ranjitsinhji still believes that Stone- 
wall Jackson was a cricketer. 



31 



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ORACLES 

When the Derby is won by a zebra filly, 
There'll be a riot in Piccadilly. 

When a ten-shilling tax is laid on flour, 
Men will travel to Brighton in half an hour ; 
But when England is fed with frozen meat, 
The Empress of China will take a back seat. 

** When England's crown is worn by Lipton, 
Remember me," says Mother Shipton. 



HINTS ON CARVING AND 
GASTRONOMY 

A hare can be carved with a spoon, but it is 
not necessary to take a knife to a calves'-foot 
jelly. 

Do not stand up to operate on a beefsteak. 

Do not confuse niblicks with giblets, or, worse 
still, allude to haricot veins. 



32 



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FAMILIAR ABBREVIATIONS 

M. A. P. . Magis amicus Populus. 

G. P. O. . God Preserve O'Connor, 

F. O. . Festinare odiosum. 

F. P. . Facile Princeps. 



SCALE OF 
MUSICAL APPRECIATION 



lo deadheads make 


J a claque 


I claque makes 


a furore 


ID furores make. 


I paying engage- 
ment 


50 paying engagements make 
2 pathetic ballads make 


I wealthy 
I recall 


3 recalls make . 


I bouquet 


5 bouquets make 


**an enthusiastic 
reception " 



33 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR APRIL 

FOR RECORDING SNOWSTORMS AND OTHER 
SIGNS OF SPRING 



u 



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APRIL 



I 


F 


2 


S 


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* 


4 


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5 


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6 


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Tfi 



Mr. Austen Chamberlain leaves in a 
submarine to inspect the All-British 
cable. 

Mr. Austen Chamberlain elected a 
member of the Society of Soles. 
Receives deputation of electric eels. 

Mr. Austen Chamberlain indisposed 
by prevailing humidity. Attended 
by the celebrated doctor, Sir John 
Dory, President of the College of 
Sturgeons. 

Mr. Austen Chamberlain reported en- 
gaged to the famous belle and sub- 
marine divaj Miss Ann Chovie. 

Mr. Austen Chamberlain attends a 
submarine school treat. Kisses 
several sea-urchins. 

Mr. Austen Chamberlain seriously 
unwell. Dogger Bank suspends 
payment. 

Mr. Austen Chamberlain entertained 
at No. 5, John Street, by Mr. Richard 
Whiteing, to meet Sir Frederick 
Pollock, Mr, Egmont Hake, and 
Madame Halle Butt. 
35 



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lO 



II 



12 



APRII.. — continued 

8 ' F Mr. Austen Chamberlain visits the 
Conger Free State. Promises to 
redress the grievances of the natives. 
Returns to St. Marti n's-le-Grand. 
The Dowager Empress of China 
reaches England on a visit to Dr. 
Cliflford. Westbourne Park Chapel 
illuminated. 

Sb The Dowager Empress occupies Dr. 
Clififord's pulpit, and eulogises the 
Education Bill. 

M Dr. Cliflford and the elders entertained 
by the Dowager Empress to a ban- 
quet of birds'-nest soup. 

Tu ' The Dowager Empress and suite leave 
Westbourne Park for Whittinge- 
j hame. 

13 ! W ; The Dowager Empress on the North 
! Berwick links. Plays foursome with 

Mr. Balfour against Ben Sayers and 
Miss Louie Freear. The Empress's 
j syrupy tee-shots invincible. 

14 I Th The Dowager Empress appears in The 
' Chinese Honeymoon at the Strand 

Theatre. Free list entirely sus- 
pended. 

15 F The Dowager Empress invests the 
Editor of the Daily Mail with a 
yellow jacket. 

16 S David and Bathshua sandwich-board 
campaign begins. Sensation in 
the Athenceum office. 

36 



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APRIL — continued 



17 


* 


18 


M 


19 


Tu 


20 


W 


21 


Th 


22 


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24 


* 



Extracts from David and Bathshua 
sent by Marconigraph to all vessels 
at sea. Strike at Lloyd's. 

Free copies of David and Bathshua 
posted to everyone on the register. 
Deadlock at St. Martin's-le-Grand. 
Cheapside blocked by David and 
Bathshua, 

Free rations of David and Bathshua 
served to all ranks in the army. Mr. 
Brodrick recites it in the House. 
Mr. Beckett removed by the Ser- 
jeant-at-Arms. 

David and Bathshua discovered by 
Mr. Edmund Gosse. Two columns 
in the Chronicle. 

David and Bathshua produced by Mr. 
Tree. Miss Louie Freear brings 
down the house as Bathshua. 

Amateur performance of David and 
Bathshua at the Albert Hall, with 
Sir Thomas Lipton as David and 
Mrs. Grundy as Bathshua. 

Double-page advertisement of David 
and Bathshua in all the papers. 
Mr. Moberly Bell turns green. 

Free distribution of David and Bath- 
shua in all voluntary schools. Sir 
Henry Fowler accepts a peerage. 

37 



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APRIL — contintied 



25 


M 


26 


Tu 


27 


W 



28 Th 



29 



30 



Arrangements made with the Maza- 
wattee syndicate for the distribution 
of bonus copies of David and Bath- 
shua with every pound of tea. 

Lipton's, Limited, arrange with Mr. 
Alfred Austin for scriptural drama 
suitable for bonus purposes. 

Messrs. Horniman approach Miss Jane 
Oakley with a view to obtaining a 
patriotic drama of equal bulk with 
David and Bathshua. 

Messrs. Cadbury negotiate with Sir 
Wilfrid Lawson for rhymed version 
of the Book of Job, suitable for 
distribution in the best dissenting 
cocoa coteries. 

Every English reader being supplied 
with David and Bathshua^ the 
author arranges with Mr. Moberly 
Bell for its reissue on the hire sys- 
tem, with a prize competition, en- 
titling the winners to scholarships 
at Hanwell. 

Mr. Bernard Shaw played his last polo 
match at Hurlingham, 1893. Lord 
Rosebery reconciles Liberal party. 



38 



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ORDINARY TARIFFS 

AT THE BEST AGENCIES 
FOR PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT 

POLITICAL 

Pro-Protection (with eyeglass) . . 3 3 o 
,, (without eyeglass, but with 

definition of the word ** fiscal") . . 2 12 6 

Free Trade (argumentative) . . , i 1 1 6 

Fourth Party (very scathing) . . , 220 

Old-Fashioned Tory (temper uncertain) . 10 6 
Old-Fashioned Liberal (sound, but long 

talker) , . . . . no demand 

N,B, — For present M.P. add 25 per cent, to the above 
figures. 
For eX'M,P, add 10 per cent. 
For ex'irish M.P. add 2 J per cent, 

NON-POLITICAL 

£ s. d. 

With anecdotes of royalty . . . 10 10 o 

With anecdotes of aristocracy . . 7 7 o 

With humorous sallies . . . S 5 o 

N,B, — The above y with Oxford degrees and voice ^ 10 
percent, extra. 
With Cambridge degrees and manner ^ 5 per cent. 



39 



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EXPLETIVES PERMISSIBLE IN 
MIXED SOCIETY 

** Even the Seraphim have their conversational lapses " 

Cakon Hensley Hevson 

IN mixed society the use of crude and street- 
coined expletives, though valuable as a safety- 
valve to the emotions, is neither expected nor 
tolerated. The following phrases, however, may 
be used with impunity at a garden-party at Fulham 
Palace and at all archidiaconal functions. 



Blatherskite 
Tushl 

Hoity-Toity ! 
Fudge ! 



By the Hoky Fly 
By my Halidome 
By Carbonate of Soda 
By Metallism 



Gotterdammerung 



SUITABLE SOBRIQUETS FOR PETS 

** Give it a name." — Mr. Cadbury 



Dachshund 


. Calmady 


Bull-dog 


. Brodder 


Skye terrier 


. Santos 


Bee 


. Maeterlinck 


Tortoise 


. Panhard 



40 



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FAMILY PET NAMES OF EMINENT 
PERSONS 

** Tell me what a man is called by his intimates, and I will tell 
you his character. " — Herbert Spencer 

Duke of Devonshire . Little Wideawake 

Lord Rosebery (when 
indisposed) . . Primrose '111 



RELATIVE SIZES OF TYPE 

English 

Drink Maclurkin's Lava 

Pica 

Drink Maclurkin s Lava Whi 

Long Primer 

Drink Maclurkin's Lava Whisky only 

Bourgeois 

Drink Maclurkin's Lava Whisky only if 

Bre vier 
Drink Maclurkin's Liava Whisky only if you 

Pearl 
Drink Madurkln's Lava Whisky only if you are tired of life 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR MAY 

FOR RECORDING HEADS OF ASPARAGUS AND 
PLOVERS' EGGS EATEN 



42 



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8 


Sb 



MAY 

President Roosevelt arrives in Eng- 
land as the guest of the editor of 
the Spectator. The King takes to 
dumb-bells. 

President Roosevelt has a quiet day. 
In the morning he wrestles with 
Jack Carkeek, and dislocates the 
Terrible Turk's pelvis after lunch. 

Another quiet day. President Roose- 
velt swims to Gravesend and back 
before breakfast, and takes one of 
Sandow's classes in the afternoon. 

President Roosevelt still resting. In 
the morning he tames a lion at the 
Hippodrome, and after lunch knocks 
out two heavy-weights at the Na- 
tional Sporting Club. 

President Roosevelt goes tiger-shoot- 
ing in Regent's Park, and when 
the keeper is not looking lifts an 
elephant. ^ 

Arrival of President Roosevelt (carry- 
ing elephant) at the Spectator office. 
The editor leaves for rest cure at 
Chatsworth. 

Departure of President Roosevelt. 
Disastrous slump in Whiteley ex- 
ercisers. Lord Rosebery reconciles 
Liberal party. 

Mr. A. P. Watt and Mr. T. P. 
O'Connor, m.p., start with camera 
and cheque-book on a voyage of 
literary discovery. 

43 



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13 i F 



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15 



MAY — continued 

Arrival of Messrs. Watt and O'Connor 
at Box Hill. Mr. O'Connor photo- 
graphs the back premises of Mr. 
Meredith's house. Has dog-bite 
cauterised at Dorking. 

Literary explorers arrive at Dorchester. 
Mr. Watt discovers Mr. Thomas 
Hardy and urges him to try his 
hand at fiction. Offers three guineas 
per thousand words. Hurried de- 
parture of the pilgrims for Brighton. 

Arrival of literary explorers at Brigh- 
ton. Mr. T. P. O'Connor dis- 
covers Mr. Herbert Spencer and 
telegraphs for help. 

Literary explorers move on to the 
Cinque Ports. On calling on Mr. 
Henry James, at Rye, they find the 
drawbridge up and the portcullis 
down. In swimming the moat 
Mr. O'Connor loses his camera. 

Messrs. Watt and O'Connor arrive 
at Putney. While Mr. Watt is 
discovering Mr. Swinburne, Mr. 
O'Connor photographs Mr. Watts- 
Dunton in twenty-four positions. 

At Stratford-on-Avon Mr. Watt in- 
quires for Shakespeare's address 
and leaves a card mentioning terms. 

Triumphant arrival of the pilgrims at 
the mansion of the author of David 
and Bathshua. Torchlight proces- 
sion of sandwichmen. Oxen roasted 
whole. Fireworks. 

44 



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MAY — continued 



i6 I M I Madame Clara Butt and Miss Louie 
I Freear leave for Germany to play 

I I the Twins in the Kaiser's new 

! operatic version of The Corstcan 

I j Brothers, 

Tu I Arrival of Madame Clara Butt and 
Miss Louie Freear at Potsdam. 
I Dinner of forty covers. Miss Louie 
Freear pronounces the sausage the 
wurst she ever tasted. 

W Grand gala performance at the Opera 
House. Enthusiastic reception. 
Professor Knackfuss, the scene- 
painter, recalled seventeen times. 

Th Madame Clara Butt reviews the Pom- 
eranian Grenadiers and accepts the 
Honorary Colonelcy of the regi- 
ment. 

Miss Louie Freear christens a new 
ironclad at Kiel and receives an 
offer of marriage from Prince Eitel 
Fritz. 

Madame Clara Butt appears at a Court 
concert and sings ' * O that we two 
were maying ! " with the Kaiser. 
Indisposition of the Empress. 

§b Miss Louie Freear, imprisoned in the 
fortress of Ehrenbreitstein for refus- 
ing Prince Eitel Fritz, is rescued by 
Madame Clara Butt at the head of 
the Pomeranian Grenadiers. 

M Madame Clara Butt and Miss Louie 
Freear take refuge in the Great Tun 
at Heidelberg. Disguised as Boer 
generals they escape to Munich. 

45 



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20 



21 



22 



23 



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MAY — continued 



24 I Tu Abdication of the Regent of Bavaria 
in favour of Madame Clara Butt. 
Repeal of the Salic Law and en- 
noblement of Mr. Kennerley Rum- 
ford as Count Rumford. 

25 I W First appearance of Miss Louie Freear 
at Bayreuth as Briinnhilde. Re- 
cord attendance. Madame Wagner 
leaves for New York. 

26 Th Enthusiastic reception of Miss Louie 
Freear at Hamburg. She gives her 
famous imitation of Sousa and is 
offered the leadership of the Social 
Democratic Party. 

27 F Miss Louie Freear sings **The Lost 
Chord " in the Reichstag. Con- 
sternation of the Catholic centre. 
Anglo-German alliance announced. 

28 ! S Captive balloon, from which Dr. 
Clififord is addressing monster meet- 
ing of Passive Resisters at Wembley 
Park, breaks loose. Lord Hugh 
Cecil arrested. 

^ Dr. Clifford descends at a Happy Sun- 
day Afternoon at Fulham Palace. 
Panic among the Anglican clergy. 

M D.S.O. conferred on Lieutenant- 
Colonel Newnham Davis for dietetic 
explorations in the dangerous dis- 
tricts of Soho. 

Tu Archdeacon Sinclair unanimously 
elected President of the Sidcup 
Cycling Club. 
46 



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NEW ORDERS 

" The old order changeth, yielding place tx) new."— M. Escoffieii 

THE ORDER OF THE CARLTON 

AMONGST the new Orders instituted during 
- the past year the most notable is the Order 
of the Carlton. Only those are eligible for this 
decoration who are able to prove on oath that they 
have not dined at home more than ten times in the 
year, and have never paid less than £;i 3^". for a 
dinner, exclusive of wines, liqueurs, and cigars. 
The order has three classes : 

G.K.C. . Grand Knight of the Carlton 

K.C. . . Knight of the Carlton 
C.C. . . Commander of the Carlton 
The badge, which represents three plovers* eggs 
in a bath of caviare, is suspended by a slip of 
angelica, with the motto, ^^ Dens noster venter ^ 

THE ORDER OF CIRCULATION 

Second in importance we have to note the 
foundation of the Circulation Order for popular 
authors. The grades of the Order are three : 
G.C.B. . Gigantic Circulation at the Bookstall 
K.C.B. . Knight Congester of the Bookstall 
C.B. . Congester of the Bookstall 
No one is eligible for the lowest grade who has 
not sold 50,000 copies of a 6s. novel, white for the 

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THE ORDER OF CIRCULATION— con^inMed 

second a minimum sale of 75,ocx>, and for the first 
of 100,000 is an indispensable qualification. The 
decoration represents a fountain-pen in eruption, 
with the motto. Judges xv. 16. 

The Grand Chamberlain of the Order is Mr. 
A. P. Watt, the discoverer of literary steam. 



TABLE OF COMPARATIVE 
VELOCITIES FOR EVERYDAY USE 

Calculated to decimals of a millimetre per second 



Flow of blood in a tadpole's tail 


•000,50 


Tortoise sprinting . . . . 


•012,345 


Eel's progress ..... 


•15 


South Eastern Express 


.19 


Duke of Devonshire's fastest somnambulis- 




tic progress ..... 


III 


Bath chair at Bournemouth 


i-iS 


Stockbrokers walking to Brighton (before 
taking sloe gin) . . . . 


2- 


Stockbrokers walking to Brighton (after 
taking sloe gin) . ... 


•75 



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FAMILIAR LATIN PHRASES 

"Tantae molis erat Romanam discere linguam." — Virgil 

Gesta Romanorum The jests of Romano's 

Vento secundo . With a second wind 

Pendente lite . A chandelier 

Amari aliquid . It is something to be loved 



SUGGESTED PSEUDONYMS FOR 
LITERARY ASPIRANTS 

** What's in a name ? " — Bacon 



For a novel of the nursery 
For a romance of sport 
For a novel of hotel life 
For a novel in a tea-cup 
For a musical novel 
For a sartorial novel 
For a story of a boys' school 
For an MS. in a red box . 



Mellin Horlick 

Baring Rayne 

Frederick Gordon 

A. B. C. Lyons 

Albert Hall 

Mrs. Harris Tweedie 

All Caine 

P. T. Barnum 



SCALE OF CONGLOMERATION 



5 beautiful girls make 
2 bevies ,, 



I bevy 
I galaxy 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR JUNE 
FOR RECORDING INCHES OF RAIN 



50 



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w 

Th 



* 



M 



JUNE 

Lord Rosebery reconciles Liberal 
party. 

Opening of the Highbury Week. 
Mr. Chamberlain presents each of 
his guests with an orchid and an 
eyeglass. Mr. Balfour unable to 
keep his eyeglass in position. 

Cricket match in the Home Paddock. 
Protectionists (with Mr. Balfour) v. 
Open Minders. Mr. Balfour fails 
to score. 

Grand Tenants' Ball. Great success 
of Mr. Austen Chamberlain in the 
*' Washington Post." Mr. Balfour 
loses his way in the grand chain in 
the Zollverein Lancers. 

Sacred Concert in the large orchid 
house. Mr. Balfour blacks his 
face, but breaks down in **The 
Jonah Man." Immense success of 
Mr. Chaplin in **Turmut Hoeing." 
Mr. Jesse Collings at the gramo- 
phone. 

Lawn Tennis Tournament on the 
Highbury Lower Lawn. Mr. Bal- 
four and Mr. Seddon lose the mixed 
doubles. 

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JUNE — continued 



7 Tu Golf Tournament in the three-acre 
meadow. Mr. Jesse Collings in 
driving off severely injures prize 
Alderney cow. Mr. Balfour slices 
an iron shot into the orchid house 
and destroys £1,500 worth of plants. 

8 W Last day of Highbury Week. On 
guests assembling at breakfast Mr. 
Balfour is found to have left by 
special train at three a.m. 

9 Th Albert Trott takes out England's 
Darling from the St. John's Wood 
Free Library. 

10 F Albert Trott returns England's Dar- 
ling. 

11 S Great '* Ragging" Scandal at the 
Law Courts. The Master of the 
Rolls, the Lord Chief Justice, and 
the Lord Chancellor are acquitted 
of cruelty to Mr. Marshall Hall, 
K.c, M.P., and handed back their 
wigs. 

^ Lady Warwick preaches at the City 
Temple in Rev. R. J. Campbell's 
absence. 

M Sir James Crichton-Browne challenged 
to a duel by Miss Marie Corelli 
for traducing the memory of Mrs. 
Carlyle. Sir James Crichton- 
Browne's right whisker shot off 
at Cheyne Walk. 
52 



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JUNE — continited 

14 Tu Sir JamesCrichton-Brownechallenged 
by Mrs. George CornwalHs West 
for cruelty to her son. Sir James 
Crichton-Browne shot in the Harris 
Tweeds at Blenheim. 

15 W Sir James Crichton-Browne challenged 
to a duel with cavalry sabres by 
Madame Sarah Grand. Sir James 
Crichton - Browne's left whisker 
carved off at Wormwood Scrubs. 

16 Th Sir James Crichton-Brownechallenged 
by Mrs. Humphry Ward to a duel 
with Lewis Morris tubes. Sir 
James Crichton-Browne's life saved 
by the bullet striking a pocket 
edition of Froude's Nemesis of 
Faith in the garden of the Pass- 
more Edwards Settlement. 

17 F Sir JamesCrichton-Brownechallenged 
by Mrs. George Keppel to a duel 
with rook and rabbit rifles at 
Hurlingham. Sir James Crichton- 
Browne's second, Mr. Percy Bunt- 
ing, severely wounded. 

18 S Flight of Sir James Crichton-Browne. 
Pioneer Club illuminated. 

19 Sb Bards' walk to Brighton. Competi- 
tors leave Poets' Corner at day- 
break. Mr. Charles Whitworth 
Wynne leads at Streatham. 

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JUNE — contimied 

20 ! M Poets still walking. Canon Rawnsley 
overhauls Mr. Whitworth Wynne 
at Crawley. Mr. Stephen Phillips 
telegraphs to Mr. John Lane for 
extra feet. 

21 Tu Bards' provision motor- van breaks 
down at Hand Cross. Race de- 
layed. Street traffic resumed at 
Brighton. 

22 W Race resumed. Canon Rawnsley 
reaches Hassocks at 5.15 a.m., Mr. 
Stephen Phillips 7.45 a.m., Mr. 
Whitworth Wynne 12 noon. 

23 Th Race ended. Mr. Alfred Austin, by 
dint of a great spurt at Pyecombe, 
reaches the Aquarium a quarter of 
an hour in advance of Sir William 
Allan, M.p. Sir Wilfrid Lawson 
third. 

24 b I Grand distribution of prizes on the 
New Pier by Miss Jane Oakley. 
Mr. Austin crowned as champion 
pedestrian. 

25 S Mr. Alfred Austin addresses thanks- 
giving ode to St. Jacob's Oil, and 
Mr. Whitworth Wynne begins epic 
on the subject of Elliman's Embro- 
cation. 

26 ^ Mr. Wertheimer raised to the peer- 
age. Mr. John S. Sargent made 
an Assistant Companion of the 
Victorian Order. 

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JUNE — continiXtd 

27 M Departure of Mr. T. Gibson Bowles, 
M.P., and Mr. Swift McNeill, m.p., 
on a tour of interrogation on the 
Continent. 

28 Tu Arrival of Messrs. Bowles and McNeill 
at Brussels. Interview with King 
Leopold. Mr. McNeill asks His 
Majesty whether it is true that some 
cannibal soldiers of the Congo Free 
State, on being brought to Belgium, 
refused to eat Brussels sprouts. 

29 W Messrs. Bowles and McNeill arrive 
at Berlin. Mr. Bowles, meeting the 
Kaiser on the Unter den Linden^ 
asks him if he really writes his own 
speeches. Arrival of Messrs. Bowles 
and McNeill on the frontier at mid- 
night. 

30 Th The Interrogatory Duet arrive at St. 
Petersburg. Mr. McNeill, on being 
introduced to the Czar, asks what 
are the chances of his next child 
being a son, and whether, if it is 
a daughter, he will repeal the Salic 
Law. Mr. McNeill starts for Siberia 
by the night mail. Disappearance 
of Mr. Bowles. 



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CRICKET RECORDS 

Greatest Number of Wides in an Over. — Mr. 
Sidney Lee, playing on April 23rd, 1902, for the 
Hampstead First Folios against Dr. Furnivall's 
Old Etonians, bowled forty-eight wides in succes- 
sion, and having exhausted the umpire's powers 
of addition, was removed in a buck-basket. 

Greatest Number of Runs from one Hit.— Mr. 
Algernon Ashton, playing for the Brookwood 
Sparklets, at Kensal Green, on the August Bank 
Holiday, 1901, cut the ball smartly to square leg, 
where it was fielded by Sir Charles Stanford and 
returned with such violence that it lodged in an 
open grave in the adjoining cemetery. Before the 
ball could be excavated Mr. Ashton and his 
partner had notched thirty-three. 

The Widest Wide ever bowled.— Mr. A. E. W. 
Mason, playing for the Jacobite Novelists 
against the Elstree Masters, on July i8th, 1899, 
was put on to bowl when the Elstree Masters 
had scored 593 for three wickets. His first ball, 
contrary to all expectations, instead of pro- 
ceeding in the direction of the batsman, was 
shortly afterwards found in the possession of Mr. 
Augustine Birrell, k.c, who had been carefully 
placed over the bowler's head. 

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The Longest Partnership for no Runs. — Playing 
for the Chatsworth Ramblers in a two-day match 
against the Gentlemen of Lundy Island, on June 
15th, 1896, the Duke of Devonshire and Mr. Henry 
Chaplin, who opened the batting, remained to- 
gether for two hours and fifty-three minutes with- 
out scoring. At this point, in attempting his first 
run, the Duke unfortunately fell asleep on the 
wrong side of the popping-crease and was removed 
in a wagon lit. 

Highest Broomstick Score.— In a match played 
at Warwick Castle, on May 29th, 1900, between 
Lady Warwick's team of Sisters of the Quill with 
Mr. W. T. Stead, and Mr. Stoddart's Eleven 
(with broomsticks) the score was as follows : — 



Mr. Stoddart's Eleven 
(with Broomsticks) 
L. H. Palairet, c and b 

Marie Corelli 
Hon. F. S. Jackson, b 

Lucas Malet 
C. B. Fry, b Marie Corelli 
K. S. Ranjitsinhji, c Aria 

b Hobbes . 
G. L. Jessop, not out 
V. F. S. Crawford, run out 
A. E. Stoddart, c and b 

Annie Swan 
F. G. J. Ford, hit wicket . 
Capt. Wynyard, Ibw, b 

Kendal 
S. M. J. Woods, c Somerset, 

b Warwick . , 79 

W. G. Grace, retired hurt 514 

Wides . . . 290 

3, '84 



190 

o 

216 

402 

84 

336 
98 

157 



Lady Warwick's Eleven 
(with Mr. Stead) 
Mrs. Humphry Ward, b 

Jessop 
Lucas Malet, b Jessop 
Miss Marie Corelli, b Jessop 
Lady Warwick, b Jessop . 
Mrs. Aria, b Jessop 
Lady Jeune, b Jessop . 
Mrs. Kendal, b Grace 
John Oliver Hobbes, not out 
Lady Henry Somerset, b 

Grace 
Mrs. Annie S. Swan, b 

Grace 
Mr. W. T. Stead, b Grace . 
Extras . 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR JULY 

FOR RECORDING APPEARANCE OF 
CHRISTMAS NUMBERS 



Digitized by CjOOQ IC 



JULY 



I 


F 


2 


S 


3 


» 


4 


M 


5 


Tu 


6 


W 


7 


Th 


8 


F 


9 


S 


[O 


^ 



M. Paderewski born, i860. Strike of 

barbers. 
Mr. Whitaker Wright confirmed, 

1868. Lord Rose be ry reconciles 

Liberal party. 
Wreck of a first-class cruiser on the 

Round Pond, 1851. 

American Independence Day. Mr. 
W. W. Astor moves to Hever 
Castle. 

Signalling in Mars observed. Mr. 
Brodrick summoned. 

Mr. Brodrick leaves the War Office 
with Lady Jeune in a parachute. 
Great enthusiasm. 

Mr. Brodrick and Lady Jeune arrive 
in Mars. Panic of the Martians. 

Panic allayed by Lady Jeune's tact. 
Mr. Brodrick as the Cast-iron Duke 
reviews Martian bodyguard. 

Regatta on Schiaparelli's Canal. Mr. 
Brodrick and Lady Jeune win the 
double dinghy race. 

Grand bazaar at the Martian capital. 
Mr. Brodrick director of the Cafe 
Chantant. Lady Jeune presides 
over stall for selenite paperweights. 

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J UL Y — continued 



II M Sir Norman Lockyer observed to 
be signalling from Westminster : 
**Come back at once. Winston 
has appointed Captain Coe and 
General Booth joint Commanders- 
in-Chief." Hurried departure of 
Mr. Brodrick and Lady Jeune. 

Tu Mr. Balfour arrives at Bergen with 
Harry and Dolly Vardon in order 
to instruct the Scandinavians in 
golf. 

W Mr. Balfour lectures on **Golf and 
British Supremacy." Harry Var- 
don swings clubs to slow music. 
Dolly Vardon at the piano. 

Th Grand exhibition match at Trondhjem. 
The author of Ghosts is successful 
in a bogey competition. 
Mr. Balfour gives Bjornstjerne Bjorn- 
son private instruction. B. B. 
breaks fourteen clubs. 
« S Mr. Balfour at the North Cape. 
Drives into the Maelstrom. 

^ Mr. Balfour lectures at Stockholm on 
the rival merits of the Haskell and 
the Gutty. Dolly Vardon becomes 
a Swedenborgian. 

M Mr. Sidney Lee starts on his reading 
tour in Scotland. Opening night 
at Edinburgh, where he reads selec- 
tions from the Index to the Diction^ 
ary of National Biography. 
60 



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14 
15 
16 

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J UI^Y — continued 



19 


Tu 


20 


W 


21 


Th 


22 


F 


23 


S 


24 


* 


25 


M 


26 


Tu 


27 


W 



Mr. Sidney Lee at the Bass Rock, 
where he reads tasty extracts from 
the Life of the first Lord Burton. 

Mr. Sidney Lee wrecked in the Sound 
of Mull, and is w.ashed ashore (with 
Dictionary) at FingaFs Cave. 

Mr. Sidney Lee's signals of distress 
attract a passing whaler under the 
command of Mr. F. T. Bullen. Mr. 
Sidney Lee reads the Life of Jonah 
to rapt audience. 

Mr. Sidney Lee instructed in the art 
of harpooning. In aiming at a 
passing narwhal he seriously injures 
Mr. Lathbury, the Pilot. 

Mr. Sidney Lee put in irons for read- 
ing his article on Shakespeare to 
the man at the wheel. 

Mr. Sidney Lee is set ashore at Ler- 
wick. Addresses the local Baconian 
Society from the back of a Shetland 
pony. 

Mr. Sidney Lee continues his tour to 
the Hebrides. He reads the Life of 
Mrs. Harris to the crofters. 

Mrs. Gallop sighted off the Lizard. 
Sudden return of Mr. Sidney Lee 
(with harpoon) to London. 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's chinchilla 
waistcoat stolen. Telegraphic re- 
port sent to all police-stations. 
Sherlock Holmes engaged. 
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JULY — continued 



28 i Th 



29 



30 



31 



» 



Sherlock Holmes has a clue. The 
Thames at Richmond dragged by 
the police. 

Sherlock Holmes has a fresh clue and 
leaves for New York in special 
steamer. House-to-house search 
in Brixton by the police. 

Marconigraph from Sherlock Holmes 
stating that he has proof that the 
thief is in Chicago. Four detectives 
leave Scotland Yard for Japan. 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's chinchilla 
waistcoat discovered in the wrong 
drawer in his wardrobe. 



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THE WALKING CRAZE 

"Young men, put one foot before the other." — John Page Hopps 

The costumes de rigueur on the Brighton road 
for walking matches are as follows : — 

For Archdeacons. — Black crape poncho, pith 
helmet, purple Liberty silk cummerbund, accordion- 
pleated bloomers, talc mudguards, and toe-post 
boots. 

For Dowager Duchesses. — Lilac sun-bonnets, 
celluloid Gladstone collars, open-work Zouave 
jackets, Gladstone bags, and skis. 

For Pianists. — Waved pompadour fringe, dia- 
mond-mounted side-combs, velvet lounge jacket, 
butterfly tie, Calmady trouserettes, and soft pedal. 
Bar-less, Broadwood brogues. 



THE SHOPPER S GUIDE 

BEING A LIST OF THE BEST SHOPS FOR 
ARTICLES IN DAILY USE 

ALPHABETICALLY ARRANGED 

** Bang went saxpence." — William Archer 
Arks . . . Clasper's 

Battle-axes . . . Longman and Strong- 

ly th 'arm 

Celluloid chafing dishes . A. and N. Stores 

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THE SHOPPER'S GVIBE— continued 



Dulcimers . 
Eel-skin trousers 
Frankincense 
Guillotines . 
Hecatombs . 
Iron masks . 

Juggernauts 

Knobkerries 

Loblolly-trees 

Mammoths . 

Narwhals 

Ox-goads 

Pemmican . 

Quincunxes . 

RadJum 

Sombreros . 

Trawl nets . 

Ukases 

Ventriloquist's dummies . 

Wigwams . 
Xanthic acid 
Yearlings . 
Zebras 



Boosey's 

Poole's 

Exeter Hall 

Liberty's 

Harrod's Stores 

Humphrey's, Knights- 
bridge 

Jamrach's 

Rider Haggard's 

Covent Garden 

Whiteley's 

Billingsgate 

Streeter's 

Benoist's 

Cutbush's 

Boots' 

Lincoln and Bennett 

Robinson and Cleaver 

Fortnum and Mason 

Marshall and Snel- 
grove 

Asprey's 

Giddy and Giddy 

Piesse and Lubin 

Truefitt's 



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HINTS TO PASSIVE RESISTERS 

"Knuckle-dusters? Why, yes."— Dr. Clifford 

An eel-skin stuffed with sand, while easily 
mistaken for an elongated sausage, is in reality 
an absolutely lethal weapon. 

A charge of pepper deftly discharged from a 
common pop-gun is calculated to render the most 
robust auctioneer entirely hors de combat. 

The use of Winchester rifles is to be deprecated 
except in extreme cases. But hot porridge, or, 
failing that, boiling grape-nuts, is perfectly 
irresistible at short range. 

At Wonderland, in the East End, boxing lessons 
may be obtained from champions of all weights. 
Special terms for Passive Resisters. 



SUGGESTIONS FOR EMERGENCIES 

** Father says, * You must be prepared.' " — Lord Dalmeny 

If your butler is intoxicated at a dinner-party, 
give him beef-tea every half-hour. 

If you should find your bedroom on fire on 
waking up in the morning, do not try to put out 
the flames with your hot water. 

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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR AUGUST 

FOR RECORDING NUMBER OF HASKELL BALLS 
LOST AT NORTH BERWICK 



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AUGUST 

M Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman lands 
at Cronstadt. Received by Pro- 
curator of the Holy Synod. 
Tu Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman pre- 
I sides at Moujiks' mothers* meeting 
' at Archangel, in the character of the 
Good Samovaritan. 
W I Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman visits 
Count Tolstoy in a motor-droshky. 
Created Duke o' Boers. 
Th Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman has a 
round of golf on the Moscow links 
with the Grand Duke Michael. Sir 
; Henry bunkered in the Kremlin. 
F j Sir HenryCampbell-Bannerman visits 
I the Caucasus. Reviews Cossack cav- 
i airy, and as a sign of his approval 
I presents caviare to the general. 
S Sir HenryCampbell-Bannerman leaves 
I for a visit to the Grand Lama of 
I Thibet; personally conducted by Dr. 
Sven Hedin. Arrives at the sacred 
city in a state of extreme Lhassatude. 

^ Arrival at Cape Town of Mr. Percy 
Fitzgerald and Mr. Hall Caine, at 
the head of the Dickens Fellowship, 
on a Conciliation Mission in South 
Africa. 

M Fancy Dress Pickwick Picnic on Table 
Mountain. Enormous success of 
Mr. Hall Caine as the Fat Boy. 
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AUGUST— coniimied 



lo 



II 



Tu Dickens Fellowship Mission at Kim- 
berley. Mr. Percy Fitzgerald re- 
cites the *' Death of Little Nell" 
in the De Beers mine. Main shaft 
submerged by tears of the natives. 

W King Khama joins the Fellowship. 
Performance of Bleak House at 
] Mafeking. Natives turned away 
from the doors in thousands. 

Th Mr. Percy Fitzgerald recites the 
** Death of Paul Dombey." On 
awaking, King Khama confers on 
him the title ** Soporolio " (the sleep 
dispenser). 

F Arrival at Pretoria. Lord Milner joins 
Fellowship, but refuses to contribute 
I to Household Words. 

S I Grand Copperfield Conversazione at 
Government House. Mr. Tom 
Gallon recites ** Death of Dora." 
Dry eyes at a premium. General 
De Wet joins the Fellowship. 

14 §^ Dickens Fellowship at Johannesburg. 
Mr. Tom Gallon discovers new 
variety of quartz. 

15 i M Arrival of Mr. Percy Fitzgerald and 
troupe at Bulawayo. Costume re- 
cital of Great Expectations. Mr. 
Hall Caine matchless in the part 
of Pip. Enormous accession to 
membership, 

68 



12 



13 



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AVGVST— continued 



i6 


Tu 


17 


W 


18 


Th 


19 


F 


20 


S 


21 


* 


22 


M 



Excursion to the Matoppos. Mr. 
Percy Fitzgerald distributes penny 
Pickwicks among the natives. Em- 
eute in the King's Kraal. Hasty 
return of the Fellowship to England. 

Arrival at Nimes of Mr. Maurice Hew- 
lett and Col. Cody's Congress of 
Crusaders and Troubadours. Open- 
ing performance in the Amphi- 
theatre. 

Mr. Maurice Hewlett lectures on the 
cult of the battle-axe, illustrated by 
experiments on tame reviewers. 
Mr. Arnold Dolmetsch at the pi- 
anola. 

Congress of Crusaders arrive at Aries. 
Grand spectacular drama entitled 
Peter the Hermit^ Mr. Frederic 
Harrison as Peter. 

The Congress at Tarascon. Colonel 
Cody challenged by M. Max Regis 
to single combat with Mauser 
pistols. 

Colonel Cody tried by the Felibristes 
for Regiside. He escapes to Corsica 
under cover of the mistral. 

Mr. Maurice Hewlett and Mr. Frederic 
Harrison move on to Avignon. 
Matinee performance of The Worst 
Jongleur in Jericho in the old Papal 
Palace. 

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25 



26 



AUGUST— continued 

23 I Tu Crusaders open at Villeneuve; re- 
j joined by Colonel Cody disguised 

as Richard Yea-and-Nay. 

24 I W Mr. Hewlett lectures on the ** Royalty 
Ballads of the Twelfth Century." 
Mr. Frederic Harrison sings Blon- 
del's famous serenade. Mandolin 
obbligato by Sir Henry Craik. 

Th Irish bull -fight at Toulouse. Pro- 
digious success of Mr. Edmund 
Gosse as a matador. 

F Grand historical pageant at Fontara- 
bia. Crusaders march to the Pas 
de Roland, headed by Mr. Frederic 
Harrison as Charlemagne. Capture 

of Colonel Cody by the Basques. 

I 

S ; Return of Colonel Cody with his hair 
cut. Consternation amongst the 
Crusaders. Congress hurriedly 
dissolves. 

^ I Sir Robert Giffen first wore an aqua- 

! scutum. 

I 

M I Mr. Algernon Ashton receives the 
I freedom of Brookwood. 

Tu . Sir Richard Calmady wins the go-as- 
you-please race to Brighton. 

W I Lord Rosebery reconciles Liberal 
party. 



27 

28 
29 
30 



70 



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COMPARATIVE TABLE OF 



WEALTH 










£ 


s. 


d. 


The Czar . . (per minutC; 


1 i6 


3 


4 


Mr. J. D. Rockefeller ( „ ) 


i6 


2 


6 


Charles Frohman ( „ ; 


> lO 


O 





Mr. Alfred Harmsworth ( ,, ] 


> 9 


19 


2 


Miss Edna May . ( ,, ] 


) 6 


ID 





Sir Thomas Lipton ( >» ] 


» 5 


15 





Dr. Tibbies . . ( „ 


) 3 


18 


4 


Herr Julius Seeth . ( ,, ; 


) 2 


17 


7 


Mr. Sidney Lee . ( ,, 


) 2 


2 






2 tastes 


Ut CUBJ 

make 




4 joppets 


>j 


. I dob 


2 dobs 


>> • 


I dart 


3 darts 


M 


. I junk 


4 junks 


>' 


. I square meal 



* The passage is in Flodden Field, by Alfred Austin the 
Laureate). 
t The rate was altered in 1901. It is now nearer lis. in the i\ 

71 



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OUR FREE INSURANCE 

The heirs of any person who writes his name 
and address in the space left for the purpose at 
the foot of this page, and is afterwards killed 
within the four-mile radius during the year 1904 
by frostbite, lightning, or Asiatic mumps, will 
receive the sum of three miiiios pounds. 

Our office has already paid claims amounting 
to forty milt::n pounds. 

SPACE FOR NAME AND ADDRESS OF 
DOOMED MAN 




N.B. — The name and address must be written with 
a Tickemorf typewriter (in case complete, ;^2i). 



72 



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SUITABLE NAMES FOR SUBURBAN 
VILLAS 



The Skelligs. 
Mandalay. 
Apsley House. 
Lohengrin Lodge. 
Bangalore. 



Mycenae. 
Potsdam. 
Alpine View. 
Chatsworth. 
Lakeside. 



DELICIOUS DRINKS 

The Life-renewer. — To a goblet two-thirds full 
of brown sugar add three fresh oysters, a half- 
pony of quinine, and one dash of Condy. Stir 
well, strain into another glass, and drink quickly 
with the eyes shut. 

Mourner's Joy. — A fresh egg well beaten, ten 
crushed strawberries, the gizzard of a capercailzie, 
three ponies of Kiimmel, a dash of Plasmon, and 
two kinds of radium. 

Rudyard's Cobbler. — Into a large glass put the 
sound of a cod, the liver of a mongoose, the wing 
of a Bombay duck, ten grains of phenacetin, and 
a pony of Lemco. Stir with a fountain pen, and 
sip courageously to the sound of trumpets. 

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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR SEPTEMBER 

FOR RECORDING TIPS GIVEN TO GAME- 
KEEPERS, GILLIES, AND SCHOOLBOYS 



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SEPTEMBER 

Th Mr. Harry De Windt attacked by 
moths, 1894. Enemy repulsed by 
Harlene bombs. 

F Mr. George R. Sims born, 1847. 
Fire at Clarkson's. 

3 I S Tidal wave on the Manchester Ship 
Canal, 1850. 

4 I ^ Sir Wilfrid Lawson born, 1829. 
Bradford reservoir burst. 

M The Rev. R. J- Campbell takes the 
natn^ of Bannerman. Sir Howard 
Vincent resigns post of deacon at 
City Temple. 

Tu Mr. George R. Sims starts from the 
Thatched House Club on his great 
mission to the bald, drawn in a 
savage landau by two bearded 
tits. 

W Mr. George R. Sims passes through 
Wigan to Great Orme's Head, 
which he pauses to irrigate. 

Th Mr. George R. Sims crosses to the 

Isle of Man in an 'airship and 

supplies Mr. Hall Caine with a 
Celtic fringe. 

Mr. George R. Sims hurriedly sum- 
moned to town to contest the Ayr 
Burghs in the Whig interest. 

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SEPTEMBER— €o»^mw^i 

10 S Announcement of purchase of the 
Isle of Man by Mr. H. G. Wells 
and Mr. Arnold White for sociolo- 
gical experiments. Mr. Hall Caine 
settles at Bedford Park. 

11 ^ Arrival of Mr. Arnold White at 
Castletown in a cruiser. Mr. Wells 
alights at Laxey from his aeropile. 

12 M Disagreement between Mr. Wells and 
his partner, the latter wishing to 
rename the island the Isle of White. 

13 Tu Mr. Arnold White orders the im- 
prisonment of every Manxman not 

' a member of the Navy League. 

14 W I Mr. Wells orders the electrocution of 
all nursemaids who do not take in 
the Fortnightly Review, 

15 Th Mr. Arnold White issues ukase for- 
bidding alien immigration from 
Manchester, and trains battery of 
47 guns on the landing-stage. 

16 F Mr. Wells issues firman forbidding 
consumption of any liquor except 
China tea sweetened by saccharine. 

17 S Mr. Arnold White appoints Lord 
I Charles Beresford as Lord High 
I Admiral of the Manx Ports. 

18 St Mr. Wells appoints Mr. Lloyd George, 
I M.P., as Commander-in-Chief of the 

Manx cavalry. 
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SEPTEMEER—continmd 



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Mr. Arnold White prescribes Porter- 
house steak breakfasts and Chateau- 
briand teas for the Manx blue- 
jackets. 

Mr. Wells appoints Sunny Jim 
Quartermaster-General. 

Epidemic of dyspepsia in the Manx 
fleet. Double rations of bile beans 
served out. 

Dr. Williams, Dr. Carter, and Dr. 
Page Woodcock elevated to the 
Manx Peerage by Mr. Wells and 
presented with autograph copies of 
Mr. White's last pamphlet. 

Civil war breaks out. Military revolt 
headed by Mr. Lloyd George. Mr. 
Wells harangues his tricycle body- 
guard in the largest dancing saloon. 

Laxey looted. Mr. Arnold White 
takes up strong position in the 
Bradda caves. Sunny Jim tastes 
blood. 

Deadlock in the House of Keys. 
Mr. Wells, in a pathetic speech, 
abandons efficiency. Mr. Lloyd 
George and Sunny Jim form a 
Coalition Ministry. 

Mr. Arnold White captured by Sunny 
Jim. Ransomed, after much hag- 
gling, by Lord Rosebery and de- 
ported to the Durdans. 
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27 

28 

29 

30 



SEPTEMBER— cow^mw^d 

Tu Mr. George Alexander dropped name 
of Samson. Sandow born. 

W Lord Rosebery reconciles Liberal 
I party. 

Th '■ Lieutenant-Colonel Newnham Davis 
, gave up porridge, 1874. 

F I Pheasants arrive at London poul- 
I terers'. 



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LORD SHAMROCK'S 
ESTABLISHMENT 

Gentlemen of the dog watch — 

Hon. Alfred Braunberger 
Mr. Joseph Zeltinger 
Sir John Marcobrunner 
Herr Maximilian Greger 
Lord Sydney Tintara 
The Hon. Emu Brand 



Apothecary 

Keeper of the Cup 

First Chauffeur 

Second Chauffeur 

Groom of the Cylinder 

Clerk of the Gong 

Page of the Sparking 
Plug . 

Controllers of the Boom 



Doctor Berncastler 
Vacant (;^2,ooo) 
Count Rockefeller 
Baron Carlowitzky 
Mr. Oyly Carte 
General Boum 

Master Horace Daimler 

Messrs. Romeike and 
Curtice 

Vacant 

Lord Kidderminster 



Miss Mabel Blundell 
Mr. Pepys 



Keeper of the Bilge 

Layer of the Red Carpet 

Chief Dustress of the 
Furniture 

Keeper of the Horn 

Gentlemen Pushers — 

Lord George Sanger 
Messrs. Longman and 
Strongi'th'arm 
Herr Sandow 
Jack Carkeek 
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Band— 

Herr Kubelik 
M. Paderewski 
Lord Rosslyn 
Mr. Arnold White 
Hon. Chas. Russell 
The Duke of Fife 
Lord Hindlip 



First violin 

Pianola 

Gramophone 

Contra-Jew's harp 

Big drum 

Piccolo 

Contra-bass 



LICENCES 






£ 


5. 


d. 


;ic licence, all metres . . lOO 








, , blank verse, with extra feet 75 








,, plain blank verse . . 50 








,, patriotic . . . 25 








,, Mercedes, 70 h.p. . . 10 








,, Laureate 


6 


8 



Applications will be received by Mr. William 
Archer, Poets' Corner. Cheques and postal orders 
to be crossed — 

**a/c Gas Light and Coke Co., Metre 
Department." 

t Xenoplio-n Attab, iv, p. 2'23, Chirgwin's Ed. 
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THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN 

" There is no such friend in life as a good store of miscellaneous 
knowledge. " — Sir C. Arthur Pearson 

Mr. G. L. Jessop, the famous cricketer, has 
always made it a rule not to eat boiled radishes. 

Rome was not built in a day. 

There are 583,201 hairs in Sir Michael Hicks- 
Beach's beard, according to the last census. 

Westminster Abbey was not always an abbey. 
The ground on which it stands was once an empty 
space. 

Hydrophobia is rarely caught from a dog-tooth 
violet. 

No good Conservative ever carries a Gladstone 
bag. 

Henry VHI. married six wives, but such was 
his dexterity that he never married his deceased 
wife's sister. 

Lizards are rarely found in the menu at the 
Carlton. 

Unless used very wastefully candles are still 
cheaper for lighting purposes than radium. 

Mr, Ritchie gave up his impersonation of the 
Tramp Cyclist on joining the Cabinet. 

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THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN 

(continued) 

John Banyan, author of the Pilgrim's Progress^ 
took his name from the circumstance that his 
father's smithy was under a spreading banyan 
tree. 

It is not true that the Crystal Palace was built 
before the discovery of glass. 

The family name of Lord Portsmouth is Wallop, 
That of Mr. Astor is Waldorf. 

Before the Metropolitan and District railways 
were opened there was practically no underground 
traffic in London. 

There is no mention of Troy weight in the 
poems of Homer. 

It has been estimated that a Wiltshire agricul- 
tural labourer only uses about 784 words, of which 
one half are expletives. 

Cambridge men do not like being called ^^Tabs" 
— the short for Cantabs. 

Herbert Spencer did not write The Faerie Queene. 

Messrs. Howells and James have never written 
any novels in collaboration. 

Lord Magheramorne is able to pronounce his 
name in one syllable. 

The plural of vade mecum is not vade meca, 

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THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN 

(continued) 

Harris tweeds were first worn by Lord Harris, 
in a match against the I Zingari, in 1875. 

Lord George Sanger received his title for his 
prowess in the Kaffir circus. 

It is conjectured that if the Nelson Column were 
to fall and block Whitehall, members of Parlia- 
ment would reach the House either by the Em- 
bankment or Victoria Street. 



MAXIMS FOR MOTORISTS 

" Pip, pip ! " — Mr. Walteh Long 

More police less speed. 

Never look a gift-car in the cylinder. 

A child may lead a chauffeur to the petrol, but 
ten men can't make him drink. 



Michaelis has a totally different theory. 
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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR OCTOBER 

FOR RECORDING BRACES OF PHEASANTS 
RECEIVED FROM FRIENDS 



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OCTOBER 

Great controversy opened in the Times 
by Sir H. H. Howorth on the in- 
sanitary preparation of Finnan 
haddocks. 

Lord Rosebery reconciles the Liberal 
party. 

Mr. George Robey, in a letter to the 
TimeSy calls Sir H. H. Howorth an 
*^ epistolary kipper." 

Sir H. H. Howorth . retorts that he 
does not feel called upon to notice 
the unseemly antics of an hysterical 
histrion. 

Mr. George Robey recommends Sir 
H. H. Howorth to return to his 
History of the Mongrels and wear 
flannel next his skin. 

Sir H. H. Howorth replies that he 
would rather be a mongrel than 
a mummer. 

Mr. Winston Churchill appeals to 
Sir H. H. Howorth not to belittle 
a calling followed by Roscius, 
Garrick, Lord Rosslyn, and Mr. 
Wilson Barrett. 

Lord Rosebery writes to announce 
his unshaken resolve to eat Finnan 
haddocks whenever he gets the 
chance. 

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OCTOBER— c(nUmued 

Mass Meeting of Passive Resisters in 
Hyde Park, armed to the teeth. 

Lord Rosebery starts for Corfu. 
First appearance of the expression 
** Chase me!*' in the TzmeSj in a 
letter from Miss Connie Ediss. 

Archbishop Sinclair and Bishop 
Welldon appeal to the editor of the 
Times to close the correspondence 
in the interest of the impoverished 
fish-curers of Ealing. 

Editor of the Times closes the corre- 
spondence. Arrival of Sir H. H. 
Howorth at Printing House Square 
armed with the jaw of a mammoth. 
Mr. Buckle and Mr. Moberly Bell 
return home by flying-machine. 

Opening of the Birmingham Musical 
Festival. Production of choral 
hallaid, Hetaltatton. Words by Gold- 
smith, music by Sir Howard Vincent. 

Birmingham Festival, second day. 
Sullivan's Cobden Legend; Berlioz* 
Joseph in Africa symphony ; and 
overture to L^Inchiesta Segreta. 
Conductor, Mr. C. A. Vince. 

Miscellaneous programme, including: 
Songs, ** Che faro senza Giuseppe?" 
and **The Lost (rubber) Cored," 
Mr. A. J. Balfour; solo, ^*Ranz 
des trois Vaches," Mr. Jesse Col- 
lings; and grand scena, **Revenons 

. a fios moutons," Princess Te Rangi 
Pai, of New Zealand. 

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OCTOBER— continned 



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Arrival of Messrs. Algernon Ashton 
and Hayden Coffin by balloon in 
Patagonia on their ** Grave and 
Gay " concert tour round the world. 
Mr, Hayden Coffin sings ** Queen 
of My Heart " to the Giant Sloth, 

Death of the Giant Sloth. Mr. 
Algernon Ashton erects a tumulus 
and composes an elegiac ode. 

Arrival in Tierra del Fuego of the 
** Grave and Gay*' duettists. Mr. 
Algernon Ashton plays the ** Danse 
Macabre " and teaches the natives to 
write to the papers. Great mortality. 

Funeral games. Dead heat between 
Mr. Algernon Ashton and Mr. 
Hayden Coffin in the sack race. 
Mr. Coffin sings **Down among 
the Dead Men," with accordion 
obbligato by Mr. Ashton. 

Mr. Hayden Coffin decides to remain 
in Tierra del Fuego. Panic in 
British girls' schools. 

Mr. Algernon Ashton decides to open 
an Academy of Music and the Dead 
Languages in Buenos Ayres. In- 
dignation meeting of London 
editors. 

Mr. Bernard Shaw appointed chef at 
the Carlton. Vegetarian "menus 
introduced. 

Carlton cellars stocked with Cape 
Gooseberry and Cowslip wine. 
Lord Burton backs his bill. 

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OCTOBER— cow^mw^d 



24 I M I Dr. Robertson Nicoll entertains Pas- 
I sive resisters to a Grape Nut break- 
I fast at the Carlton. Lord Halifax 

indisposed. 

25 Tu Carlton raided by butchers from 
Leadenhall Market. Mr. Bernard 
Shaw floors the ringleader with a 
cucumber, but is overpowered and 
confined in the refrigerator. 

26 W Reintroduction of carnivorous menus 
at the Carlton. Mr. Bernard Shaw 
deported to the Cocos Keeling 
Islands. 

27 Th Ping-pong invented by Lord Rosslyn, 
1899. 

28 F Sir Michael Hicks-Beach wins ;^5 a 
week for life from PearsorCs Weekly. 

29 S The Sporting Times amalgamates with 
The Rock. 

30 Sb Mr. John Lane publishes the anony- 
mous MS. in a Mauve Reticule. 

31 M Author of the MS. in a Mauve Reti-^ 
cule discovered to be Mr. William 
Whiteley. 



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POSTAL GUIDE 

** The King's head for a penny ! Devilish cheap " 

Herr Emil Fuchs 

Stamps are not bought by weight, but by wait- 
ing. 

Do not state your needs until the clerk has 
reached the end of the chapter, and then apologise 
for the intrusion. 

There is no reduction on taking a quantity. 

Once a letter is posted, no one can get it back, 
not even Mr. Henniker Heaton. **What you 
have posted you have posted," as the Postmaster- 
General's father aptly remarked. 

But there are sporting means of circumventing 
the regulations. Thus Herr Sandow has long 
bestowed personal attention upon a special Gaza 
class in which instruction is given in the art of 
bodily removing such fixtures as pillar-boxes, while 
Messrs. Hardy, of Alnwick, have devised a special 
dry-fly grappler hook with clincher tyres, which 
can be worked, in conjunction with a prismatic 
hyposcope, to extricate anything from the mouth 
of a pillar-box or other receptacle. 

Moneylenders' circulars are best replied to in 
anonymous letters, unstamped. 

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RHYMING REMINDERS 

•• Dinna forget"— S. R. Crockett 

For Beekeepers— 

A swarm of bees in August 
Is worth a peck of sawdust. 

A swarm of bees in September 
Is something to remember. 

A swarm of bees in October 
Is rare when one is sober. 

A swarm of bees in November 
Resembles one in December. 

Birds and the weather— 

If the corncrake sings in the harvest moon, 
Your crop isn't worth a macaroon. 

If the cuckoo sings on Guy Fawkes' day, 
There'll be the deuce and all to pay. 

If the nightjar sings before the jay, 
Look out for snow on Swithin's Day. 

For Japan— 

An earthquake in the morning 
Is the shepherd's warning ; 
An earthquake at night 
Is the shepherd's delight. 
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RHYMING REMISBERS— continued 

For Golfers— 

A golf course unadorned with bunkers 
Is like a bungalow sans punkahs. 

For Ireland— 

When the glass is up to thirty- 
Cork and Kerry will be dirty ; 
When the glass is high, O very, 
There'll be rain in Cork and Kerry ; 
When the glass is low, O Lork ! 
There'll be rain in Kerry and Cork. 



NOTES ON ETIQUETTE 

**One must be particular." — A. C. Maclaren 

In making afternoon calls, if it is raining be sure 
to leave your umbrella in the bathroom. 

When you meet your doctor in the street, be 
careful to resist the temptation to put out your 
tongue unless he asks you. 

Never allow the conversation to flag if you can 
help it. The ball of repartee cannot be kept up 
without constant repercussion. 



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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR NOVEMBER 
FOR RECORDING LOSSES AT BRIDGE 



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NOVEMBER 

Tu Mr. George Bernard Shaw and Mr. 
G. K. Chesterton arrive at the 
Gilbert Islands with their Hygienic 
Play and Lecture Combination. 

W Mr. Shaw produces his new comedy, 
The Admirable Jaeger y with Mr. 
Eustace Miles in the title role. 

Th Mr. Chesterton lectures on ** Vege- 
tarianism as the Cause of Obscurity 
in Sordello^ The British Consul 
in the chair. 

Production of Mr. Shaw's new farce, 
Messrs. Hope Brothers* Conversion^ 
with additional paradoxes by Mr. 
Chesterton. 

Mr. Chesterton lectures on ** Brown 
Boots as a Solvent of Domestic 
Morality." Mr. Keir Hardie in 
the chair. 

% Production of Mr. Shaw's new version 
oi As You Like It^ rewritten as a 
poetical blank verse play. Mons. 
Walkley as Jacques. 

M Mr. Chesterton lectures on ** Bicycles 
and the Bible." Mr. Montagu 
Holbein in the chair. 
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NOVEMBER— coTUimied 

Production of Mr. Shaw's new tragedy, 
The Worst Vestryman in St. Pancras. 
Mr. Sidney Webb as the Spider. 

Mr. Chesterton lectures on ** Byzan- 
tine Influences on Aerated Bread." 
Messrs. Pearce and Plenty in the 
chair. 

Grand corroboree of Gilbert Islanders. 
Salted vegetarian barbecued with 
Plasmon sauce. Prizes by Messrs. 
Mappin and Sidney Webb. 

Mr. Chesterton gives farewell lecture 

in the 
Robson 



on **The Quick Lunch 
Literature of Revolt. 
Roose in the chair. 



Dr. 



End of tour. Triumph of Messrs. 
Shaw and Chesterton. All the in- 
habitants of the Gilbert Islands 
fitted with knickerbockers, new ties, 
and toe-post bicycle sandals. 

Epidemic of elephantiasis at Bootle, 
1881. 

Mr. Winston Churchill born, 187 1. 

Mr. Winston Churchill formulates 
his first army scheme, 1871. 

Mr. Alfred Austin reaches Bar Har- 
bour in s.s. Veronica with a cargo 
of federating poems. 

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NOYEMBER— continued 

17 Th Mr. Alfred Austin at Newport. En- 
tertained to supper on horseback. 

18 F Mr. Alfred Austin dines with Mrs. 
Stuyvesant, Fish. Ten thousand 
peacocks' tongues consumed. 

ig S Mr. Alfred Austin indisposed. Writes 
pessimistic poem in the manner of 
Akenside. 

20 ^ Mr. Alfred Austin opens 4,000th Free 
Library at Pittsburg — one for every 
family. 

21 M Mr. Alfred Austin reaches Washing- 
ton. Addresses Congress in ana- 
paests. 

22 Tu Mr. Alfred Austin recites ** Jameson's 
Raid " to Admiral Dewey. 

23 W Mr. Alfred Austin corks his face and 
is introduced to the President. 
Appointed Postmaster at Standard- 
ville, Ga. 

24 Th Riot at Standardville. Mr. Alfred 
Austin washes hurriedly and escapes 
in a Mercedes hearse. 

25 I F Mr. Alfred Austin and Veronica in- 
structed in the cake. walk. Mr. 
Austin strains his tendon Achilles. 

26 ■■ S Mr. Alfred Austin mistaken for Mark 
Twain in Missouri. Reads poem 
to dispel illusion. 

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y^OVEMBER— continued 

27 I Jb 1 Mr. Alfred Austin in Texas. Reviews 

Congress of cowpunchers. Elected 
Poet Lariat. 

28 i M Eclipse of the moon at Hampstead, 
I I 1881. 

29 Tu Lord Avebury sat on a bee, 1862* 
! Landslip at St. Ives. 

30 W Lord Rosebery reconciles Liberal 

i party. 



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OUR PROPHETIC HIEROGLYPH FOR I904 



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HINTS FOR BUSY WOMEN 

** Sisters, hark ! ''—Lady Warwick 

List of plays which it is injudicious to invite 
certain people to witness. 

Dr. Clifford : The Bishops' Move. 

Mr. Winston Churchill, m.p. : The Second in 
Command, 

Mr. Chamberlain : The Little Minister. 



USEFUL SYNONYMS AND PARA- 
PHRASES FOR JOURNALISTS AND 
LITERARY MEN 

" A rose by any other name will smell as sweet." — Mrs. Gallup 

For Cicero: **The Chauncey Depew of jfn-cfe- 
siecle Republican Rome." 

For Martin Luther: **The Dr. Clifford of the 
Reformation.** 

For Dr. W. G. Grace : ^*The doyen of the wil- 
low-wielding confraternity.** 

Any fiddler : ** Paganini's representative." 

A night-shirt : ** The robe of repose." 

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SOLECISMS TO BE AVOIDED. 

** A friend in need is a friend indeed." — Sir William Gbani'ham 

Incorrect: ** It is twenty miles to St. Albans as 
the cock crows." 

Correct: ** It is twenty miles to St. Albans as the 
crow flies." 

Note that the French for unemployed is not hors 
d'oeuvre. 



COUNTRY-HOUSE HINTS 

"Hospitality begins at home." — Lord Avebuby 

List of papers and magazines to be taken in for 
guests : — 

For Sir Thomas Lipton : The Pilot, Church 
Bells ^ The Monthly Packet, 

For the German Emperor : The Skibbereen Eaglcy 
The Clarion, The Speaker. 

For a Duchess : Sunday at Homey Tit-Bits y 
Sporting Times y Athenceum. 

For a Guardsman : Rod and Gun, Home Chat. 
For President Roosevelt : Black and White. 
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MEMORANDA PAGE 

FOR DECEMBER 

FOR RECORDING AMOUNT GIVEN TO 
CROSSING-SWEEPERS 



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DECEMBER 

Th The Kaiser arrives in England. Panic 
' in the Spectator office and the San- 
dringham covers. 
F The Kaiser wins the Times competi- 
tion and goes to Girton. 
S The Kaiser rusticated from Girton. 
Plays leading part in The Admirable 
Crichton. 

Jb The Kaiser shaves his moustache and 
preaches at the City Temple. 

M The Kaiser confers the Order of the 
Mailed Fist on Mr. Harmsworth 
and edits the Daily Express. 

Tu The Kaiser cooks the dinner at the 
Carlton and drives the ** Flying 
Scotchman " to Perth. 

W The Kaiser crowned at Holyrood. 
Confers the Order of the Spread 
Eagle on Wee Macgreegor. 

Th The Kaiser visits the Isle of Man and 
contributes a chapter to Mr. Hall 
Caine's new romance. 

F The Kaiser visits Anglesey. Battue 
of Welsh rabbits. 

S The Kaiser returns to London from 
Lord Lonsdale's. Sheds tears at 
the demolition of the Lowther 
arcade. 

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The Kaiser takes tenor solo at the 
Albert Hall sacred concert and re- 
paints a portrait by Mr. Sargent. 

The Kaiser visits Kensal Green with 
Mr. Algernon Ashton and walks to 
Brighton at dusk. 

The Kaiser swims back to Germany, 
accompanied by Mr. Montagu 
Holbein and Mr. Swinburne. 

By special proclamation general rest 
cure decreed. 

Lord Rosebery reconciles the Liberal 
party. 

Sir Richard Calmady's engagement 
to Lady Rose's daughter broken off. 

Mr. Andrew Lang and Prince Ranjit- 

sinhji arrive at Honolulu with the 

Totem Ramblers C.C. 
Opening match of the Totem Ramblers 

against twenty-two of Honolulu. 

Dr. J. G. Frazer bags a brace. 

Gaukrodger carries his bat. 

After defeat of Honolulu Mr. Lang 
delivers lecture in the Seamen's 
Refuge on ** Pickle the Spy as a 
Golfer." TunniclifFe in the chair. 

Arrival of the Totems at the Solomon 
Islands. Dr. E. B. Tylor assaulted 
by a beach-comber. Rescued by 
Lord Hawke. 



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DECEMBER— con^mi^d 

21 W Grand match against the Solomon 
Island Incogs. Dr. W. G. Grace 
performs the hat trick. Mr. Ed- 
mund Gosse retires hurt. 

22 Th Mr. Lang lectures at the Moravian 
Mission on ** The Subliminal Con- 
sciousness." Gaukrodger in the 
chair. Platform rushed by cannibals. 

23 b Mr. Austin Dobson attacked by a land 
crab in the Marquesas ; repels the 
monster with a pantoum until 
rescued by John Gunn. Richardson 
missing. 

24 b Prince Ranjitsinhji and Dr. E. B. 
Tylor leave in search of Richard- 
son. Remainder defeat Marquesas 
Authentics. Mr. Andrew Lang 79 
not out. ' 

25 ^ Return of search-party in catamarans 
without Richardson, who has ac- 
cepted Chief Justiceship of Tonga. 

26 M Mr. Andrew Lang lectures to the 
Crofters of the New Hebrides on 
** Maori, Queen of Scots." W.Gunn 
in the chair. 

27 j Tu Grand match against Eighteen of 
Tahiti and district. Lockwood 
takes 17 wickets for 9 runs. Lord 
Avebury brings his average up to 
I by a masterly innings. 

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DECEMBER— fon^mw^d 

Match against Tonga Harlequins. 
Tunnicliffe in great form. Hits ball 
into top branches of bread-fruit tree 
and runs 15. 

Mr. Andrew Lang bitten by a copra. 
Poison sucked from the wound by 
Gaukrodger. Mr. Lang lectures 
in the evening on **The Casket 
Letters." Lockwood in the chair. 

Match against the Pitcairn Free 
Foresters. Professor Bury in mak- 
ing a boundary catch falls into the 
Pacific Ocean, and is snatched from 
the jaws of a shark by Gaukrodger. 

End of tour. Mr. Edmund Gosse 
marooned on an atoll. Mr. C. B. 
Fry at length signifies his willing- 
ness to accompany the team. 



104 



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INDEX 

^*^ Hades is full of bad iudexers/^ — Sir Lewis Morris 

N.B. — This is a subject index only. It has been prepared at 
great expense by the Index Trust, Ltd., and cannot but add to 
the. efficiency of the volume. Arrang-ements have been made to 
sell it separately at a reasonable rate to meet the growing- demand 
for light literature. If bought within the next fourteen days 
the price will be id?., post-free ; afterwards 325. This is as final 
as any of our ultimatums. 

A 

Alimony, how to raise it. See Bridge 
Aluminium as a substitute for New Zealand 

lambs . ' . . ... 213 

Aunts, their place in the State . . -143 

B 
Bampton Lecturers, private life of . . .40 

Boadicea, Queen of the pro-Boas . . .512 

C 

Calmady, Sir Richard, his monograph on Long- 
shanks . . . . . . 14 

Cummerbunds, their federating influence . . 75 

105 



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INDEX — contintied 

D 

Dormouse or Dormy-house. See A. J. Balfour . 491 
Duse, the. See Objurgation. 

E 

Early Worm, the. See Bird, Henry. 

F 
Flanking movements, their use and abuse . .231 
Fund, Sinking, the, its influence on cremation . 189 

G 

Gargles, recipes for, in three languages . . loi 
Gulf Stream, the, its diversion to Labrador . 138 

H 

{Let us drop H,) 

I 

Indigo as a substitute for tea . . . 396 

Irrigation in the highest sense of the word . . 400 

J 

Julius Caesar, his resemblance to Mr. Chamber- 
lain . . . . . . 219 

K 
Kedgeree for bluejackets. See Arnold White . 94 

Kubelik, his refusal to pay the school rate . . 582 

106 



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INDEX — continued 

L 

Lampreys, how to procure a surfeit of . -27 

M 
Mahatmas, their current price at Whiteley's . 58 
Mumps, epidemic of, expected . . .271 

N 
Nasturtiums, why not worn as an emblem of the 

Fourth Party . . . . . 20 

Nijni Novgorod, why so called . . .123 

Nougat as a breakfast food superior to Hominy . 88 

O 

Oblate fathers, their shape explained . . 938 

Oleographs, why not hung on the line . .512 

Osteology. See Bohn's Library. 

P 
Paregoric, superior to Esperanto . . • 313 

Peebles, the freedom of, why not conferred upon 

M. Loubet . . . ^ . .188 

Q 
Quinsy, Thomas De, an affection of the throat . 368 

R 
Ratcatchers, their interest in the Times competi- 
tion explained . . . . .191 

Resistance, Passive. See Firearms. 

107 



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INBTSJL— continued 

S 
Sal-volatile as a summer drink . . . 1 29 

Sousa, his ** Calmady March " for centipedes . 94 

T 
Tortajada, la, her success at the Alhambra . . 181 
Turbine engines as cream separators . . 494 

U 
Uncle Sam, his starful stripishness . .321 

V 

Vegox, a name for a beefeater . . . 43 

W 

Wombat, what to do with the cold . . .218 

X Y Z 

(Negligible, ) 



108 



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LEGO'S 
BATH . . 
CABINET 



CAN BE USED FOR A 
PULPIT. 

The Rev. Anti- Septimus 
Flocktender writes from The 
Wash : '* Cleanliness being next 
to Godliness, I preach from your 
Bath Cabinet every Sunday." 



THE 



ii 



PptDon/' 



A Turkish Bath for 

a Penny in the 

privacy of Homo. 



No Rongh Sbampooers. 
No Tips to Attendants. 
No culling Cold Plunges. 
NoByzantine Decorations. 



NOTA BENE. 

The " Python " is so con- 
structed that it can he 
mistaken for a number of 
other thin^, such as a 
Music Cabinet, a Boot 
Cupboard, a Writingr- 
desk, a Dog Kennel, a 
Lean-to, a Cucumber 
Frame. 

NOBODY NEED KNOW 

THAT YOU WASH. 



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NO MORE NICOTINE! 

BY SMOKING CAPTAIN BULGER'S PATENT 

"HEALTH RESORT" 

IPIIPE 

The deleterious effects of Nicotine are wholly removed, and 
the smoker attains to a great age. 



The Pipe is supplied with a series of strata of carefully 
selected materials, on its way through which the smoke is 
entirely freed from harmful juices. 

PRICE, TO SMOKERS, 3/9. 

LORD Kitchener writes : *' Two whiffs of the ' Health Resort ' Pipe 
have the same effect on a subaltern as the most powerful cigar. I 
recommend it everywhere in the interests of economy." 

Sir Archibald Geikie : *' As a geologist I am fascinated by the 
stratification of your pipe. " 

Professor Hubert von Herkomer, r.a., writes: *'Your pipe 
draws superbly. I am recommending it to all the students at my Art 
School at Bushey." 



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*' O that this too solid flesh would melt ! "—HamUt, 



LENOLENE. 

THE BEST FAT^KILLER, 



After two weeks of Lenolene, you can use your 

legs for pipe-cleaners. Take three doses every day 

and watch the result in the cheval-glass. 



In bottles, containing two full doses, packed in tlie form of banic 
dividends to deceive the neighbours, 18/6 post'free. 

A RANCH E IN A JAM-POT. 



BOSVIM. 



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THE "CRCESLS" 

Tpousers Streteher. 

Q Q Q 

Eaaily adjusted. Will make old 

trousers new and new trousers 

like Mr. George Alexander's. 

May be packed in a hat-box and 
applied anywhere. 

Q Q Q 

The Invention of the Gentopy. 



•CHEER UP I YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT WHEN 
YOU GET A • CRCESU8 '." 



No more 

Corrugated 

Pants. 

Q ® O 

Ask for the 

and have legs like 
paper-knives. 



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ROMANOE BEFORE BREAKFAST. 

Why live a humdrum life "when you can use the 

CUTICISOR RAZOR? 



Mr. Maurice Hewlett writes : " All my characters are devoted to your handy 
weapon." 

Signor Sanguinbtti, Professor of Phlebotomy, writes from Kensineton Gore : 
" Your ingenious implement has rendered leeches entirely unnecessary.' 

Sand far a Hat af taatimaniala fram tha pianaara af tha ahaving warid, including 
tlia aditara af tlia " Caurt Plaiatar Jaurnal " and " Sliart Cuta." 



A judicious blend of the best illicit still Whisky and 
the best Reading Biscuits. 

WHISCUIT. 

Prof. Ray Lankester : " Having tested a sample of Whiscuit at the Savile Club 
Laboratory, I can certify that it is wholly free from radium, helium, anopheles 
mosquito, and all similar deleterious and prognathous compounds." 

Mr. Eustace Miles writes : "It is both meat and drink to me. I do my train- 
ing for Pelota, Trinquet, Pallone, and Spiro-pole on nothing else." 

Sir Wilfrid Lawson writes : " Inadvertently partaking of the new food at a 
Small-and-Easy at Mr. John Redmond's, I was astonished to find the stimulating 
effect it had upon my muse. The following trifle emerged from my fountain pen 
that evening in the lobby : — 

" Although blue ribbon is your wear. 
If e'er you're offered Whiscuit, 
Assume no pharisaic air. 
But do as I did— risk it." 



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The New ConvertiWe 1/lU " CHIC " SKIRT. 



OUR 1/11i "OHIO" SKIRT. A3 A TASTEFUL LAMPSHADE. 



AS A TENT FOR TENNIS-PARTIES. AS A TURKISH BATH CABINET. 




AS A DAINTY " EN TOUS CAS." AS A RELIAOLE PARACHUTE. 



Supplied only by HOSES A AARON, Ratcliffe Highway, E. 



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THE HASKELL BOOT 

FOR THE WALKING CRAZE. 

» 

The Haskell Boot is fitted with rubber-cored heels, 

enablingr the wearer to advance in his profession 

by leaps and bounds. 

NO MORE OMNIBUSES, TRAINS, TUBES, 

TRAMS, OR MOTOR-CARS. 

■V^ Every mah his own travellerm 

STATISTICS CANNOT LIE. 

READ THE HASKELL BOOT RECORDS, Hours. Mins. 

Park Lane to Capel Court - - - 7 
Sutherland Avenue to Old Jewry - - 10 
London to Brighton - - - - 2 13 

Then ia no speed limit for Pedestriane. 

The HaalceU Boot ia amiled upon by the 

Surrey Police. 

The Haskell Boot is light, 
dainty, and fashionable. i 

Wearing it, a man may enter I 
any society. 

INVALUABLE AT DANCES. 



Tbese Boots are sold onlyin Pairs. 



HAS THE APPEARANCE OF AN 

PHce 4-216 m ordinary boot. 



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HORCE 

THE NEW FOOD, 




High up the HlLI toils Sultry Ji/a. 
HORCE*^^*^^ food that 5lrenglhen5 him 

Ask your Grocor for the Now Geroal 

(NOT BY MRS. WILLIAMSON). 



The President of the Hippophagic Society writes from 
Weston-Soupy-Mare : " It is the best of all foods that bear its 
name." 



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Picnic Requisites. 



QUESTION: What is a Picnic witliout a Hamper 
and a Wasp Destroyer? 

ANSWER: A FAILURE. 




It is because they realise this that 
Messrs. RIVER & WOOD have 

Patent Wasp 

invented their Patent Picnic Hamper, May *be Sso 

used as 
ijigg Sugar Tongs. 

"COMPACTUM." 



A CHILD CAN CARRY IT. 

FOOTMEN CRY FOR IT! 
^ ^ ^ 

PRICE 



THE "COiVIPACTUM" HAMPER. 



TWO GUINEAS, 

OR WITH 
WASP CATCHER, 

THREE POUNDS 
• • • TfiN. • • • 



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V -V 



./ 



SNALE'S Portable C halets 

/ May be set up anywhere. 
EviftY MAN HIS OWN HOUSEHOLDER. 

WRITE POR PROSPECTUS TO 

9NAL£, Ltd., BUNGAY. 



gale's Chalets may be used for all purposes, from 
a mass meeting to a hermit's cell. 




/ 



TRANSPORTATION BY SEA. 



TRANSPORTATION BY LAN». 



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AKeroats 



SPNn FOR A 



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1 



ror OKm atki v/w'^"' 



PLANTOL SOAP 

A Soothing Emollient. 
An Agreeable Cleanser. 
Economical in Use. 
Profuse in Lather. 
Delightfully Perfu..>ed. 



PLANTOL SOAP 

A combination of 
PURITY, FRAGRANCE, DELICACY. 

Perfumed from the choicest flower-fields of 

the Sunny South. 

Guaranteedto contain no anitnal/ats. 



PUNTOLSOAP 

Refreshing to the 8Kin. 
Good for the Complexion 
Agreeable to tfie Senses. 
For the Children's Bath. 
The Ladies' Toilet Table. 



MADE ENTIRELY FROM VEGETABLE OILS. 
LEVER BROTHERS/ LIMITED, PORT SUNLIGHT, CHESHIRE. 



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